more than flashing lights and sound

This site has moved.

2009-08-20T16:13:00.001-07:00

I have moved to http://whentheworldwasyounger.blogspot.com.

Update your bookmarks and feeds accordingly.

happy birthday to me

2009-07-21T20:20:00.000-07:00

an ode to fleas.

happy birthday to me
the landlord's cat brought home fleas
now i have the heebie jeebies
and i won't go in the kitchen
(you can't make me!)

seriously though, in the future i am not doing long term care taking of someone else's cat. they wouldn't get preventative flea treatment, because she's an indoor cat. she has a record for finding ways out. now we have a pain in the arse having to deal with her fleas, as well as the potential of them spreading in our home (which happens to be 90% carpeted). they've been more than willing to take the cost of the remedy out of our rent, but really, this is one of those "ounce of prevention > pound of cure" things. serves me right. i almost insisted that she be treated with something like advantage but was afraid of offending them, it being their cat and all. *sigh*

Friday Fave Five, episode 1

2009-07-02T23:21:00.000-07:00

Willow has been doing this for quite some time. Hosted by Susanne at Living to tell the Story. I have no clue who Susanne is. I just like the idea of consciously looking back on the week and remembering what we have to be thankful for. So here's my first go at Friday's Fave Five. And no. I do not think the assonance is cute. But I wasn't the one who named it, and neither were you. Unless you're Susanne, in which case, assonance or not, it's a great idea.

1. Heather and Rassi's wedding was beautiful. :)

2. I went out with Willow's daughter and my longtime friend, "Mama Mia." We had coffee and talked and it was wonderful because I have not seen Mama Mia in a very long time.

3. Transformers with my beloved. We took the motorcycle and it was the first time I had been on it since the addition of the rack and the sissy bar. I must admit, while I don't *need* the sissy bar, it did help me to feel more comfortable with letting go and just enjoying the ride and not worrying that a sudden acceleration would send me toppling off the back. It was fun and the movie was not too bad, though a bit long, and I got a snuggle, cause the armrests at this theatre lift up so it's almost like a bench seat. :D

4. My list of things to do for the wedding is now down to less than one page in my calendar and I only have one more item to prepare for the grad school application. This is very impressive to me and definitely something to be hugely thankful for, especially as it means I feel that I now have room to get excited. A big thank you to all the people who have been helping me with last minute preparations.

5. Tonight I spent a bunch of time with Ashley and her friend and we finished the pew bows while I told them about how beloved and i met. Then we went out for conveyor belt... er boat... sushi and had lots of girl talk, a surprising amount of which revolved around poop and/or parasites like worms and jiggers. It was a wonderful restfully energizing evening.

on Twilight

2009-06-28T15:38:00.000-07:00

I met a woman in a coffee shop the other day and we talked for a bit. She volunteers with a Girl's Club and asked me to send her a written version of the thoughts I had expressed in our conversation, and I thought I would share what I wrote.

Please note: I do NOT support censorship. Age and maturity appropriate reading selections for children, yes, but I think I have a somewhat liberal view of what that means. Past adolescence, kids should be learning to select their own reading. What I do what to encourage however, is that parents be aware of what their kids are reading/watching/playing etc and engage in that.

In the censorship aspect of this discussion, I would also like to point out that just because the powers that be in the American Church think something is bad, doesn't necessarily mean that it is. Harry Potter was under fire from the American Church for years for the fact that it includes witchcraft. Harry Potter also teaches character, conflict resolution, kindness, the importance of learning and such. Similarly, the Golden Compass, the first of a trilogy written by an athiest, was raised as heretical by a wide group of people and yet as I am reading it, I wonder why. The church is not painted kindly in these books, to be sure, but the church that is depicted is more like the catholic church of the middle ages, not the church of today. What I find interesting is the concept of a soul that is depicted in the His Dark Materials series, which along with themes of courage, child/adulthood, honesty/truth, provides a fertile ground for learning and discussion. I find it remarkable and appalling, in light of this, that there has been no outcry about the Twilight series which, in my eyes, poses much greater threats to the emotional development of today's adolescent girls.

Bella is the girl that every other girl can relate to. She IS the typical american girl. A running monologue in her head, insecurity and vain confidence all broiled into one. Her dad annoys and embarrasses her through no fault of his own. She hates high school. Who can't relate to her? And her experience of infatuation (for love, it certainly is not) pulls on the same heart strings that are familiar to all of us. The melodrama is not as forced as we want to believe as adults who are now past that stage of life. Bella also annoys me to no end. She is so self absorbed that after reading two chapters of the first book, I wanted to hurl the book across the room. But then this is yet another reason why she relates. Teens tend to be self-absorbed. This is part of their development, their individuation and it is not bad as long as it is kept in check and the teen is able to mature beyond it.

Enough on Bella. She's not really where by true issue lies.

My complaint is that Edward Cullen is held up as the romantic hero of the century. Edward Cullen who stands in the corner of his girlfriend's bedroom and watches her sleep, uninvited by her, is a stalker. Do we need to define stalker? I just did. Did you miss it? HE STANDS IN HER ROOM WATCHING HER ALL NIGHT. HE WAS NOT INVITED. He lets himself in through the window. This is not just stalking but also breaking and entering. Both of which are illegal. This is viewed by Bella and thus by her adolescent readers as a sweet and loving gesture. Which leads into my next issue. Edward is emotionally and physically abusive. He pushes Bella around. He is rough with her and it's not playful roughhousing or a mature, mutually chosen eroticism, he is using his superior physical power to control her. And our beloved Bella justifies this to herself and the reader as an expression of his love for her, and even more twisted, a method by which he protects her. No. No no no. INTERVENTION TIME! This is textbook victim mentality. Abuse victims often internalize their aggressor's action, "It's my fault" and "He does it because he loves me" or "It's for my own good." This is the self-talk that makes it so hard to help some victims of abuse, because they have been so beaten down that they think they deserve it, that their abuser is in the right and must be defended. And just like any abuser, Edward Cullen's behavior follows a pattern of escalation. It doesn't begin with throwing her around. It begins with stalking, a lesser form, and then escalates as their relationship progresses.

Can you see why this concerns me? If it were just a book, if it were not so blazingly popular, I wouldn't have as much issue with it. But these young women who read Twilight think that Edward Cullen is god's gift to womankind. He is the romantic hero. There are some girls that even go so far as to ask their boyfriends "Why aren't you more like Edward Cullen?" If a woman is with a man who is not an abuser, she should not tell him that he would be a better partner if he was an abuser. This is so absurd it makes my brain hurt. And it would be laughable if it wasn't really happening.

And interestingly enough, the American Church, which was up in arms about Harry Potter and His Dark Materials, is silent about Twilight. This disturbs me more than I know how to express. It seems we have some of our priorities twisted.

Again please note, as an adult, what you read is your own business, though as with any media, be aware that what you consume has influence on you. I am speaking primarily as regards to the mass, unmonitored, popular education of adolescents who are still developing their ideas about identity, character and relationships. I don't actually object to a 13 year old girl reading Twilight. What I do object to is her reading Twilight and not having someone around to read it with her, to talk about it, and educate her about healthy relationships. When we allow other people (including authors) to parent our children for us, we have only ourselves to blame for the consequences.

Wedding Countdown: T-18 days

2009-06-23T12:19:00.000-07:00

Almost there. Almost done. Almost begun.

As of yesterday 90% my share of travel coordination is set for out of town guests. Just gotta email out details, hotel options and get one more Eugene-only carpool settled. That's pretty darned awesome.

Favors are done.
Centerpieces are done.
Dress is altered.
Veil is done.
Ceremony is planned.
MC is determined and sound equipment secured.

Cakes, florals, table rentals and catering are going to be finalized this Thursday.

I feel like what is left is manageable. This is a good thing. I had been feeling overwhelmed.

Already the endless thank you note writing has commenced. Trying to make sure I keep gifts and reply progress tracked in my guest list spreadsheet. We'll see how long that lasts. So far I'm mostly caught up with that stuff, so here's hoping.

In other news, I finally got the courage up to call the school in California with my questions about their application. Good thing I did. Apparently their email has been bouncing the last two weeks so they may actually have never seen my emails. I'm feeling better about it all now. Just a few things to do with that. Hoping to have it done before the wedding. Think I can do it?

A couple weeks ago we went to Eugene to see Nate's family and do some wedding related stuff. It was fun. I am feeling more and more comfortable with them each time. Less and less like an outsider :)

Night before last Nate and I *finally* watched Slumdog Millionaire. It was a great movie. The awards they won were well deserved in my book.

Just finished reading Good Omens (Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman). Quite enjoyable. Irreverently funny, but didn't, for me at least, cross into the offensive. Challenges traditional notions of good and evil and where human beings land in that spectrum.

Frustratingly, we finally decided on Comcast and they gave us a decent deal after I explained what exactly we're looking for, but I in my boneheadedness was like "ok, they come install after the wedding... how about July 16th?" except when I went to put it in my calendar after hanging up the phone, I realized that July 16th we're still on our honeymoon. Ooops. I've continued to call them only to have to leave voicemail and so far no callbacks from the sales rep. Ugh. The saga continues.

Bachelorette party for a friend tonight, my wedding stuffs on thursday, her wedding stuffs friday and satuday. Ready for a busy week? Time for me to gett off my duff and go pack. :)

absolutely appalling

2009-06-10T18:34:00.000-07:00

there is a woman in oregon who lured a pregnant woman into her home, killed her and cut out her baby. the baby died too. though the two women were strangers, evidence points to this being heavily premeditated. for some reason, there is question in the legal system as to whether or not this constitutes a double homicide, as it is unknown if the baby actually ever took a breath. though i don't approve of abortion, i don't usually take it to an activist level. in this case, i do blame pro-"Choice" legislation for the fact that justice may not be served. since when did a baby have to breathe air for it to be alive? since when is murdering a pregnant woman NOT a double homicide?

blehness

2009-06-06T11:01:00.000-07:00

I'm much more of a nervous driver than I have been since I first started. Mild panic attacks when the driver doesn't slow down soon enough for my comfort. Super nervous changing lanes. I guess it makes sense, given how rattling the 4 car accident (not my fault) was for me. But still, I'm not liking this. I know that my nervousness makes me actually less safe. hmm....

35 days till the wedding! WHEE!!! There's a lot still to do and I am sadly, quite behind on Nate's present. It's all a bit overwhelming. Picking up my dress next weekend. Need to meet with the cake people and the caterer and the pastor all next weekend, and also have the flower girls try on their dresses. Not to mention all the other random stuff to be done. Supposedly a shower/party somewhere in there. Nate and I picked up the form for the marriage license yesterday and I am working on filling that out. Gracious. At least I can fit the to-do list all... mostly.. on one page now.

Put in another application to Starbucks. Please pray that this comes though. 20 hrs/wk gets benefits and we just found out that Nate's company will give me health insurance at a lovely price of $1600/mo, which is absolutely and completely beyond our means. Trouble is, I get rejected for individual insurance because of a particular ongoing issue that really costs the insurance company basically nothing, but they cite it as why they won't insure me. *growl* If anyone knows of good jobs or even just anything that'd bring in some extra cash, let me know.

It's humbling to have church reduce you to tears on a regular basis. Nate keeps reminding me that not only does God love me, but He *likes* me too. Every time he says that I cry. And that seems to be the theme in church lately, so I cry there too. It's like, I know that to be true but my heart just can't believe it. Our pastor was talking last week about how we ascribe to God the feelings we have about ourselves. So if I feel like I am not like-able or if I feel like I'm not worth being proud of, I'll think God doesn't like me and that God isn't proud of me. And the crazy part is, I think that way with my parents too. I am ashamed of myself and so I project that on them, just like I project that on God. I've been dealing with a lot of rejection the last two years, so I see it and feel it everywhere. It's a good thing to be realizing this, but it aches and there's no easy out.

Anyways... speaking of rejection...

Hope is hard. It is most hard, I think, to hope for something which your heart deeply desires. Application for the last grad school to which I will apply this/next year is due Aug 15. After that, I've decided to take some space from it. At any rate, I need to just do it and get it done. It's causing stress but I've been avoiding it which does NOT help. Maybe that should be my goal for the day. Send them the email with all my questions about the application. I should probably do the FAFSA too... it changes in like a month though so I have the feeling I might want to wait on that. Ok... tab closing then I'm going to go write that email. :P

and for some tab-closing...

Linked from leighcia, this is awesome: Wardrobe Refasion. I want to do this. Sewing machine will be accessible again soon....

I'm impressed. Keep it up!

"Math in the City" Nerdy in a really awesome and interesting way. According to KP though, Zipf's law does not apply to China or India.

Someone I knew in college got a Roomba and took a really cool time exposure shot:

I know swine flu stuff is pretty much over but I'm behind the times and this is funny.

are there any ISPs out there that don't suck? i thought not.

2009-05-20T18:21:00.000-07:00

so i'm pricing out ISPs for the apartment. we're thinking about signing up for one when i move in in July. i'm beginning to think this is a pointless idea and we should just use nate's school and my work internet for a while. seriously they all suck for some reason or another.

comcast says "hey look! 15 Mbps for 19.99/mo!" fine print: after 6 months the rate doubles. you can install it yourself but only if you already have comcast cable services, otherwise it's a 100$ service charge to have a technician come set it up for you. beware though, if you tell us you've got more than one computer, we'll find a way to gouge you for that too.

qwest/verizon says "beat this! 1 Mbps for 19.99/mo for 12 mo!" as if 1 Mbps is the most amazingly fast thing known to mankind. oh but *wispers* only if you you sign up for our digital voice package too. otherwise it is actually 35$/mo. either way you've gotta fork out 75$ service charge to start up. and just to annoy me a little more, their internet sales rep had the gall to tell me verizon doesn't do cell phone services. *looks down with confusion at the verizon cell on her desk* wtf?

clear right now is my top choice. 6Mbps for 30$/mo + 6$ modem lease. sign up fee is waived for 2 yr contracts and if you move, the contract isn't broken as long as you still are in a place they serve. they don't care how many connections you make to the router once it is in your home, and they assume you're smart enough to set it up yourself (i already did it in the office. easier than setting up the printer, that's for sure). ok so what's the gotcha? clear broadcasts their internet through a wireless signal using a network of towers, much like cell phones. our apt is on the top of a pretty steep hill in the middle of town. there is a tower close by on either side of the hill. there is NO tower on top of the hill and wireless signals don't bounce so well. we are officially outside of their coverage and because the hill is such a relatively small area, they have little to no incentive to build a tower up there - at least currently there are no plans to anytime soon. *cries*

weddings, work and grad school, oh my!

2009-04-13T00:41:00.000-07:00

the registries are done. as done as they're going to get at least. no one ever told me how exhausting dealing with selecting registry contents can be. thank God they're done. next on the docket is somehow writing, printing, assembling, stamping and sealing 150 invitation packs in the next two weeks. i have until the end of the 21st of April to finish these, because on the 22nd I am going to Philly for some close friends' wedding (crazy when you're equally close to both the bride and the groom) and for some vacation time with nate (ie show him the city i love), and the invitations MUST go out the moment we return. *shudders* this tuesday and next tuesday from 230p onward into the evening i have a wonderful ashley coming to help and anyone else who is bored and wants to come is more than welcome. we'll turn the dining room table into an assembly line. but wait, no that being done does not mean stopping. we have yet to decide on a cake design, a specific dinner menu, florals are insanely up in the air, ceremony design/order of events is still in the fuzzy wuzzy brainstorm process and then there's centerpieces, gown fittings, veil, oh and does the wedding party all have their tickets booked and clothes purchased/rented etc? can you tell i'm a little wee bit overwhelmed? 88 days to go. *panics* breathe. please breathe.

in the midst of this, i am trying to find a job. i currently have 10 hrs a week (on a good week) as an admin, but a) it's less than part time and b) i was technically only hired for 90 days. so while admin feels like the only thing i've got a shot at when people with a masters and years of experience are struggling to find work, it's not at all what i want to do long term.

similarly, after being rejected from the george fox psyd program *again,* i'm feeling really insecure about this whole grad school thing. i know it's a busy year for grad admissions (with so many people out of work, grad school is becoming a more popular choice), but still. and if not this, then what? i can do admin and do it well, but honestly, scaning and filing feels like a waste of my skills when we're talking long term. i can feel my brain rotting. is it bad to want more? i just applied to a job answering and rerouting phones for 40 hrs a week. it would be stable at least. but really...

prayer would be appreciated. for wedding stress, for direction in work and school and life, for doors to open in the right places, for the ability to trust God in my confusion and stress and chaos.

iBand

2009-03-22T11:20:00.001-07:00

iBand

making progress

2009-03-13T13:06:00.000-07:00

Newly Completed:

Catering (more or less)
Cake (mostly)
Flowers
Early Marriage Budget/Financial Planning

wedding planning is a bitch

2009-03-07T15:35:00.000-08:00

2 months into our 6 month engagement, this is where we're at...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Completed:

Photographer Secured
Engagement Photos
Ceremony Site Secured
Reception Site Secured
Date Set
Gown picked and purchased
Stamps Purchased
Tux Selection
Color Selection
Wedding Party Selected
Day-Of Manager Secured
Save the Dates Designed
Minister Secured
New Apartment
Disposable cameras purchased

In Progress:

Save the Dates Printed & Sent
Addresses Collected
Catering
Cake
Flowers
Tables & Chairs
Registries
Pre-Marital Counseling
Early Marriage Budget/Financial Planning
Ceremony Design
Website at the IDoFoundation

To Do:

Invitations Printed & Sent
Gown Fitting
Sound System Reserved for Reception
Vows written
Marriage License
Jaeyde's name & address change
Carpools & Couchshares assigned
Reception Music/MC/DJ
Wedding rings selected & purchased
Favors for reception
Gift card box, guest book, camera-return box
Honeymoon arrangements
Videographer
Photo Prints & Album
Wedding Party gifts
Flower girl baskets, ribbons, shoes

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Making progress. Thankfully, neither of us is trying to kill the other yet. And we're not so crazy as to be talking about eloping. A little tension here and there, but amazingly, no fights really. I have had to take a 2 1/2 week all inclusive halt to keep my sanity, but am doing better for it. I think when catering/flowers/cake are done to the point of having a deposit paid, I'll be a lot more comfortable with where we're at.

We're writing our own vows which I'm both excited and really nervous about - Nate is so beautifully eloquent that I am afraid of falling on my face. To get back in the habit of writing at least, I may try to post some real blog entries, which I haven't really done in a while.

If you want to see our engagement photos, they're online here.

Meanwhile, I am anxiously waiting to hear about my acceptance/denial for grad school. Only one or two weeks left till I should know and it's killing me.

Oh and trying to lose weight, both for wedding and for health purposes. Doc says if I can lose 10 lbs and keep it off, that's great but better would be around 40 lbs if I can keep it stable. Oye. Do you know how hard that is to do?

Oh and no coffee for Lent. Ouchie!

If anyone knows of part time or full-time positions available in Portland Metro, please let me know. I have about 10 hrs/wk but that is not enough for benefits or to make ends really meet long term. I'm open to just about anything.

Revised Book Meme

2009-03-04T14:48:00.000-08:00

So there's the BBC Book List meme bouncing around Facebook. I was skeptical when I saw "Harry Potter" as a book that was being recommended as evidence of being literate (it may be a great book but it hardly is a definitive work when it comes to literacy) and so I did a little research and found that this BBC Book List seems to be a compiling of the Top 100 favorite books from readers. So I wondered about how it might be different from the Top 100 list of literature. Well, this is what I found from the College Board: 101 Great Books - Recommended for College Bound Readers(http://www.collegeboard.com/student/plan/boost-your-skills/23628.html). Notably absent is the Bible, which is actually one of the most critical books for Western literacy as much of Western lit draws themes and references from there.

Anyways, this is my version of the meme.

X :: Have read
+ :: Loved
* :: Want to read
@ :: Own a copy

* -- Beowulf
Achebe, Chinua Things Fall Apart
Agee, James A Death in the Family
X + @ Austen, Jane Pride and Prejudice
Baldwin, James Go Tell It on the Mountain
X + @ Beckett, Samuel Waiting for Godot
Bellow, Saul The Adventures of Augie March
X + @ Brontë, Charlotte Jane Eyre
X Brontë, Emily Wuthering Heights
X Camus, Albert The Stranger
Cather, Willa Death Comes for the Archbishop
* @ Chaucer, Geoffrey The Canterbury Tales
Chekhov, Anton The Cherry Orchard
Chopin, Kate The Awakening
X + Conrad, Joseph Heart of Darkness
* Cooper, James Fenimore The Last of the Mohicans
@ Crane, Stephen The Red Badge of Courage
* Dante Inferno
de Cervantes, Miguel Don Quixote
Defoe, Daniel Robinson Crusoe
X + @ Dickens, Charles A Tale of Two Cities
* Dostoyevsky, Fyodor Crime and Punishment
X @ Douglass, Frederick Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass
Dreiser, Theodore An American Tragedy
* Dumas, Alexandre The Three Musketeers
Eliot, George The Mill on the Floss
* Ellison, Ralph Invisible Man
* Emerson, Ralph Waldo Selected Essays
Faulkner, William As I Lay Dying
* Faulkner, William The Sound and the Fury
Fielding, Henry Tom Jones
X Fitzgerald, F. Scott The Great Gatsby
* Flaubert, Gustave Madame Bovary
Ford, Ford Madox The Good Soldier
* Goethe, Johann Faust
* Golding, William Lord of the Flies
Hardy, Thomas Tess of the d'Urbervilles
X + Hawthorne, Nathaniel The Scarlet Letter
* Heller, Joseph Catch 22
* Hemingway, Ernest A Farewell to Arms
* Homer The Iliad
X Homer The Odyssey
* Hugo, Victor The Hunchback of Notre Dame
X + Hurston, Zora Neale Their Eyes Were Watching God
X @ Huxley, Aldous Brave New World
Ibsen, Henrik A Doll's House
* James, Henry The Portrait of a Lady
* James, Henry The Turn of the Screw
* @ Joyce, James A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man
* Kafka, Franz The Metamorphosis
* Kingston, Maxine Hong The Woman Warrior
X + Lee, Harper To Kill a Mockingbird
* Lewis, Sinclair Babbitt
London, Jack The Call of the Wild
Mann, Thomas The Magic Mountain
* Marquez, Gabriel One Hundred Years of Solitude
Melville, Herman Bartleby the Scrivener
* Melville, Herman Moby Dick
* Miller, Arthur The Crucible
* Morrison, Toni Beloved
O'Connor, Flannery A Good Man is Hard to Find
O'Neill, Eugene Long Day's Journey into Night
X + @ Orwell, George Animal Farm
* Pasternak, Boris Doctor Zhivago
Plath, Sylvia The Bell Jar
X Poe, Edgar Allan Selected Tales
Proust, Marcel Swann's Way
Pynchon, Thomas The Crying of Lot 49
X Remarque, Erich Maria All Quiet on the Western Front
Rostand, Edmond Cyrano de Bergerac
Roth, Henry Call It Sleep
X + @ Salinger, J.D. The Catcher in the Rye
X Shakespeare, William Hamlet
X @ Shakespeare, William Macbeth
X Shakespeare, William A Midsummer Night's Dream
X Shakespeare, William Romeo and Juliet
Shaw, George Bernard Pygmalion
X Shelley, Mary Frankenstein
Silko, Leslie Marmon Ceremony
X @ Solzhenitsyn, Alexander One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich
X + Sophocles Antigone
X Sophocles Oedipus Rex
X Steinbeck, John The Grapes of Wrath
* Stevenson, Robert L. Treasure Island
* Stowe, Harriet Beecher Uncle Tom's Cabin
* @ Swift, Jonathan Gulliver's Travels
* Thackeray, William Vanity Fair
* Thoreau, Henry David Walden
* Tolstoy, Leo War and Peace
Turgenev, Ivan Fathers and Sons
X Twain, Mark The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn
* Voltaire Candide
X + @ Vonnegut, Kurt Jr. Slaughterhouse-Five
* Walker, Alice The Color Purple
X @ Wharton, Edith The House of Mirth
Welty, Eudora Collected Stories
* Whitman, Walt Leaves of Grass
* Wilde, Oscar The Picture of Dorian Gray
Williams, Tennessee The Glass Menagerie
Woolf, Virginia To the Lighthouse
Wright, Richard Native Son

Read (X) = 30
Liked (+) = 12
Want to read (*) = 37
Have (@) = 16

MUTO by Blu

2009-02-11T16:14:00.001-08:00

MUTO a wall-painted animation by BLU from blu on Vimeo.

Interesting.

goings on

2009-02-04T02:18:00.000-08:00

CORALINE!!! we're going with some friends on Monday the 9th of February in lieu of watching Heroes. I am WAY excited!

Nate's birthday is coming up! FEBRUARY 19th. The big 25! Happy birthday sweetie!

Also on the 19th, I am set to interview for a grad school. Pleased, but nervous. When I interviewed for the wait list of this program last year, it was just about my worst interview experience ever. I felt like the person interviewing me had already made up her mind about me (she may not have, that was just how I felt about it). Hopefully this time will go better. On the other hand, it was a good thing I was not in grad school this past year, as God had some things in store that would have been far more difficult and far less enjoyable if I was in school at the same time.

Lent starts in 3 weeks. :/ after that, no coffee for 40 days. Except Sundays. The only day of the week when Insomnia is closed. *le sigh* Can we go to Saturday sabbath for the duration of Lent? Please, pretty please?

Reminder for those in PDX - Housewarming party is this Friday (see previous entry for details). Anyone reading this blog is welcome to join us :)

2:30 am. Maybe I should go to sleep eh?

OH!!! by the way - February is Black History Month. If you're wanting a movie in a slightly different vein than Roots or The Color Purple, check out the 2007 film "Amazing Grace," which follows the 20 year struggle of William Wilberforce to abolish the slave trade in Great Britain, 100 years before the same movement occurred in the United States.

House Warming - YOU'RE INVITED!

2009-01-27T00:24:00.001-08:00

14912 SouthWest 109th Avenue
Portland, Oregon 97224

Open House
Friday, February 6, 2009
Five PM until Midnight

Potluck food and drink.
Bring your favorite game!

Nathaniel ~ 541.232.2685
Amani ~ 503.680.2751

in other news

2009-01-26T19:23:00.000-08:00

I picked a wedding dress today. It is gorgeous! I am in love.
I was in the bridal shop from 11a to 230p, took an hour lunch and came back till 430p. LONG day for that kind of activity. With Melody and my mother, I tried on around 20 dresses and it was not until about 410p that I put on the one I am now planning to buy. Oh! and the lady helping us is from Philly! She studied Fashion Design at Moore College of Art. We celebrated the Phillies winning the world series, bemoaned the Eagles' playoff lameness, salivated over our *mutual* favorite place to get falafel (BEST EVER. In front of the Dental School on 40th Street near the western end of Locust Walk.). Now I want falafel. *pouts*
We have a date, a church, a reception site, almost done with setting up photography, have chosen a color scheme, have a website, [unprinted] invitations, a condo (Nate's moving in next weekend!), a tux company (exact design not yet chosen), a budget, flower girl dresses chosen (yey for 16 bucks apiece!), and we've been engaged for almost a month with so far ZERO fights over wedding related stuff. YAY!!! 170 days to go! Whoever said we'd want to elope after 1 month of wedding planning was wrong.
Speaking of Condos.... we are having a housewarming party on Feb 6th for anyone who want to join us. I'll post the invite later (need to fix a design issue).
I have a part time job. To eventually ramp up to full time? Assitant to the Vice President/Director of US Offices for a small, growing international Information Services company. :)
I *finally* got the courage up to go to see a gynecologist. Sounds like some problems I have been having are related to insulin resistance and I'm seeing a nutritionist next week to get on a food/excersize plan to a) lose weight, b) hopefully prevent type 2 diabetes and c) hopefully in the process fix the gyny issues. This is both exciting and scary as it means that there's a real reason why I have a hard time losing weight, but it also is scary because if diet and excersize is not enough, it could mean some hefty medications to manage the insulin issue.
Also, did you know that being on hormonal birth control for at least 5 consecutive years at some point in your life reduces your risk of BOTH uterine and ovarian cancer by a WHOPPING FOURTY PERCENT?!?! I was shocked, in a good way, to hear this.
I completed my application to George Fox's Doctorate program in Clinical Psychology. I have one more application to complete before Aug.
Nate and I *may* have found a church.
RYAN STRASH visited last weekend! It was happyness. :)
Coraline is being released in 15 days. I hope to see it *shortly* thereafter (the Primier is in Portland but tickets are going for $50 a pop).
This is a beautiful video:
I am *very* happy.

do you remember...?

2009-01-06T23:36:00.000-08:00

As I begin to sift through my childhood things, to try to decide what to take with me and what to let go of forever, I find myself torn.

I want to live unencumbered by “stuff” and yet when I look at this or that, the memories flood in. To anyone else, it is just a polished blue-grey rock. Yet as I hold it, I remember who gave it to me and the friendship of youths from vastly different worlds and the tears that stood in our eyes when we parted ways forever.

The miniature tea set, many pieces missing or broken, that I loved so much to play with. How my grandmother would make tea for me in a pyrex measuring cup and then carefully pour it into my little teapot and take tea with me on the living room floor. And before that, when I was more prone to spills, little cups brimming with water. I have no use for them now, except perhaps to wrap and box for when I have little girls of my own. I doubt I would remember though, without them... I didn't remember, really, until I looked around my room just now.

I feel as if the choice becomes no longer a question of objects, but rather, memories. It is hard to throw away the object, because the object carries the memory with it, and I am afraid that if I let go of the object, the memory too, will disappear…

Am I crazy? Or do you feel that too?

Will I forget, if I let the object go? Am I ok with that? Perhaps I should take a picture? Write a story. Whatever comes to mind. Make a funny little album devoted to memories. Now that's a thought. Certainly much easier to move a single album than crates full of forgotten sentiment.

*Thank you to kellypea for her post, which prompted these thoughts and got me back into the blogging thing, at least for one night.

why I like my chuch, part 1

2008-12-19T12:28:00.000-08:00

Ever heard of Advent Conspiracy? Imago Dei was one of the founding churches.

Leek Onion Soup

2008-12-07T17:47:00.000-08:00

I wanted french onion soup but was without beef stock, so I tried a little adaptation of my own with leftovers of various sorts

thinly slice 1/2 onion
trim off the tougher, dark green part of a leek and thinly slice half of what remains
remove the stems of 2-3 mushrooms (i used crimini), discard, slice the tops
mince 2 cloves of garlic

melt 3T butter in a large saucepan and add the above to the pan. sautee on medium heat, until the onions *FULLY* carmelize. this takes about 40 min, and toward the end, you will have to stir constantly to pull up the carmeling from the bottom of the pan and so the leeks don't burn (they burn notoriously easily). be patient. if the onions are not right, the whole soup will be off.

once onions carmelize, add 2-3 cups chicken broth (preferrably unsalted), 1 tsp soy sauce, 1 tsp tomato sauce, and salt and pepper to taste. raise heat and bring to boil, stirring occassionally. reduce heat to low and simmer 5-10 min. serve hot.

Gourmet Pizza... from a can.

2008-12-02T18:58:00.000-08:00

Or multiple cans and a couple jars rather, but that's not the point.

Instructions are for one cookie sheet worth of pizza. Serves 3. Maybe. If your people eat pizza anything like my people, you'd understand. Scale as necessary. :) One hour was sufficient for full preparation, including baking time.

Crust: Pillsbury Pizza Dough (or any other refridgerator pizza dough - not making the dough yourself cuts prep time in half). Preheat oven as instructed on package but don't unwrap the dough till your toppings are ready, else it'll dry out and kind of shrivel up. Use two packages of dough stacked and pressed together if you want your crust thick. One package leaves a relatively thin crust.

Sauce: in a medium saucepan over medium heat combine 1 can tomato sauce, a heaping tablespoon of tomato paste, 3 emphatic shakes of mixed italian seasoning, half a handful of that icky powdered parmesan cheese (I think it's icky at least - more fillers than cheese), toss in slightly more garlic powder than you think you should add, 2 tablespoons balsalmic vinegar, a pinch of salt, pepper to taste. Cook stirring regularly till it starts to bubble, reduce heat and cover. Simmer 5-10 min, stirring occasionally. Set aside.

Meat: in a bowl mix 1/2 lb of ground lamb (I found it at New Seasons for only about $1 more per pound than sausage or beef), 2 shakes of italian seasoning and a pinch or two of ground coriander. Cook in an unoiled pan, scraping up anything that sticks (before long there will be enough oil from the meat that you won't need to worry about stickage), drain but do not rinse. Set aside, covered.

Toppings: Prepare all before putting onto the dough. I use little custard cups. About 3-4 oz of each topping is sufficient to cover the entire pizza, so most cans hold two pizzas worth of toppings but I plan to use my leftovers for a Spanish Tortilla as Saturday's brunch.

Olives - I like olives. This time I used manzanilla olives, but next time I would like to try a combination of manzanilla (the green kind they put into martinis), kalamata (purplish ones used in greek cooking), and regular black olives. Whatever you use, drain, slice and set aside.
Artichoke hearts. Use the brined ones, not fresh. Drain, cut or rip into whatever size you prefer and set aside.
Peel and thinly slice 3 shallots, seperate the rings and set aside.
Mushrooms - I just used about 3 oz of a 4 oz can of button mushrooms. All you need to do is drain them. Easy peasy.
Roasted Sweet Red Pepper, also known as Pimento, apparently. Drain, slice into 1/4 inch wide strips.
I didn't do this, but think it would be great - roasted garlic. mmmm....

Cheese: Grate mozzarella cheese until you have about 1.5-2 cups (wet measure cups, not packed). I think mixing in some fresh parmesan would be a nice touch, but I did not this time.

Prepare the cookie sheet and dough acording to package instructions, then spread on a thin layer of sauce, followed by meat, then veggie toppings and cheese. Garnish the top (so there's some on every serving) with sundried tomatoes (soak in water for 5-10 min, then drain and press the water out). Bake according to instructions on the dough package.

Coraline

2008-11-21T21:05:00.000-08:00

Go here: http://www.coraline.com

Then type:

STOPMOTION
BUTTONEYES
SWEATERXXS
PUPPETLOVE
MOUSTACHIO
ARMPITHAIR

also: http://www.filminfocus.com/focusfeatures/film/coraline/

In "limited" theaters Dec 19 and widespread showings Feb 6. It is being filmed and produced in Portland... so hopefully... *crosses fingers*

WANT TO SEE!!!

tab closing and miscellany

2008-11-17T11:43:00.000-08:00

Barack Obama has apparently taken to heart the example of Franklin Delano Roosevelt and is doing his own version of the presidential fireside chats.

Salon.Com talks about Lolcats.

Apparently, Portland likes to dance. Now to figure out which of the Wednesday night dances are cheap and come with a lesson...

TED lecture on creativity and play by designer Tim Brown at the 2008 Serious Play Conference. It's a half hour long, but well worth the listen.

Some friends blog on the results of the 2008 Presidential Election.

Neil Gaiman is still my celebrity crush. I've yet to read something by him that I didn't like. And he's got his most recent book as an audio book available for streaming online. The whole thing. Read by the author. FOR FREE. :D

I have been doing many things. I have not been writing for NaNoWriMo. Failure bunny. Ahh well.

I am still looking for a job and applying to grad school.

The new EQ2 expansion is being released tomorrow. My feelings about this are fairly ambivalent.

Nate is AWESOME. His most recent win: over 20 little scraps of paper with notes on them hidden throughout my room, and beyond. Under my coffee cup. Under my mouse. In my coat pockets. Between my towels. In a book. Under my perfume bottle. In my gloves. Etc. It made me happy. I am still finding them and it makes me smile.

I have started making Christmas presents. Some of which apparently need some design editing, as the sizing is turning out a bit skewed. Pattern calls for size 2 or 3 needles and fingering weight yarn. I am using the larger size and what I think is actually sport weight yarn, so I need to resize the pattern.

Just found in my newsfeed: Disruptive Realism and Welcome Back.

NaNoWriMo

2008-10-27T11:35:00.000-07:00

November is National Novel Writing Month.

I'm thinking about doing it. Sounds fun. Sounds challenging.

Anyone wanna join me?

http://www.nanowrimo.org/eng/whatisnano

i <3 mah boy.

2008-10-18T23:37:00.000-07:00

drugs drugs and more drugs

2008-10-17T01:16:00.000-07:00

this week i have taken more drugs than i think i have ever taken in my life in such a short time span. for someone who struggles just to remember to take one pill, once a day, this is kind of disorienting.

first it was ibuprofen, for fever and pain
tylonol pm, to sleep through the pain

then the doctor gave me [monday]

oxycodone, for the pain, much stronger than ibuprofen and will make you dry as a a desert in winter. oh. and get this: 1 tablet - just takes the edge off the pain. not much better than 3 ibuprofen. 2 tablets? pain is GONE. but so am i. knocked out cold. after day one, i pretty much only take these at night. but wake up at 2 am parched and in pain again.

azithromyacin, for the tonsilitis. (doc: "I can see the pus on your tonsils") liquid. cherry flavored. and i must admit the least foul tasting liquid med i have probably ever taken. 2 tsp/day for 3 days. if it's not 100% gone by the last dose, come back in. i can tell something has changed for the better but i'm basically still in pain, unable to eat and energy level best suited for bedrest.

between the 3rd dose and coming back in [wednesday]

sudafed, to dry out the endless mucus. didn't really help though.

then i go back to the doc [thursday]

the antibiotics didn't fully resolve the tonsilitis because apparently i also have mono. confirmed by a blood test. woo. :(
and since monday i have lost 5 lbs. in less than 4 days, i have lost 5 lbs. NOT good. especially since i was sleeping for most of that time.

so now we've got:

liquid diet - broth, juice, popsickles, smoothies, etc until i can swallow easily enough to eat for real.

prednisone. (doc: "your tonsils are so swollen they're kissing. no wonder you can't eat anything") hoo boy if i thought 1 pill a day was hard to keep up with. this sucker apparantly has NASTY withdrawal symptoms, so i'm on full dose (3 pills) for 3 days, then 2 pills for 3 days, then 1 pill for 3 days. apparently it also makes you a little hyper. or as my mom put it "steroids make you feel like superman." apparently this is not a mild effect, because i'm supposed to take these as soon as i wake up in the morning, preferrably before 9am and not again during the day.

and apparently some people still have trouble sleeping. so i'm also taking lunesta (doc: "you know the one on tv with the pretty butterflies") to sleep. because "you really really need good sleep right now."

and continuing the oxycodone as needed for pain, but i've pretty much stopped taking that.

so that's what? 8 different drugs in one week? 7 if you don't count the special diet. :P

it's a little unnerving when your doctor clearly feels sorry for you.

on the upside, i've got an amazing family and a wonderful boyfriend watchin out for me and takin care of me. :)

Tonsilitis

2008-10-14T09:15:00.000-07:00

So I have been sick for the last week. Horribly sick. Sleeping tons but poorly, barely eating, in constant pain and just generally blah. Yesterday I go into the doctor. May I just say I love my doctor? He's the best doc I've ever worked with and I'd be more than happy to keep him as my primary care physician forever. Anyways... he listens to me tell him about how I'm feeling and then looks down my throat.

"Well no wonder you're in pain. I can see the pus on your tonsils. I'm going to put you on some antibiotics - a 3 day, which means you should feel mostly better tomorrow and all the way better by Wednesday. I'm also going to give you some oxycodone for the pain, so you can eat and sleep. It's like percocet but without the tylonol, so it's an itty bitty pill. If you're not 100% better by Wednesday, come back."

The one down side? Oxycodone has some less than fun side effects. Dry mouth, dehydration, lack of balance and excessive drowsiness. Yey.

Oh and did I mention the antibiotic is in liquid form? Yummy. :P

The upside? I'm now feeling well enough to whine.

finishing things

2008-10-05T01:40:00.000-07:00

is hard to do.

I've been getting better about it.

making rules for myself.

"You can't start this new cool project till that one is done."

But what about prioritizing? I have a lamp that i started working on last summer. I finally got out of my creative rut with it. I just haven't been working on it. If i had, it'd be done.

Suddenly lately, I feel a great need to finish these incomplete things. *Not just complete specific projects but to clean up life. Get things in order. Sound like I'm about to die? No. Death is only one form of transition. I have felt a great life change building since August 1. I say August 1, because that's the date on the journal entry in which I wrote The stage is set. Something's coming. I want and need to be ready. All my childhood things are mixed with my college things are mixed with my now things, all of which need to be filtered through. A purge. A saving. An ordering. A preparing.

Is it too much to suggest that I need to put my list in priority order and finish one project a week until they are done, before I start any more? It means not working in the kind of add way that I sometimes do - some of this one, some of that one. And it means not wasting time on frivolities.

I'm going to try.*

Here's my start:

EQ account has been turned off (*again). It is a ridiculous time drain and I really don't enjoy it as much as I used to. I can't afford to pay for it right now anyways. Expires on 10/10. Not planning to renew in the near future (*ever?).
Reordered my "progress bar" on the right. Highest priority is on the top. My aim is to complete them from the top down. *Beginning to add other, non-craft to-do items that are larger or more time intensive (such as grad school applications). Having to estimate how far I have left to go helps a lot, and in the estimating forces me to break things down into their smaller parts. What would be 50% done? How much of the total time and effort should this particular element take? Seeing the bar move is helpful.
May add things in the middle as their priority is deemed higher than an existing project.

*Do you remember my post about revising?* Every place where you see an asterisk on this post was a point at which, *after I initially saved and published the original file, I have come back to edit.

bucket list

2008-09-26T01:21:00.000-07:00

a few of mine:

read all of the books on the American Library Association's Banned Books list.
learn to dance: swing + something latin.
earn a doctorate degree.
marry and have kids... this never would have been here a few years ago.
pick up, feed and transport a hitchhikers.
keep an herb garden alive.
ride a motorcycle on a regular basis. ;)
get a tattoo. [i already have a design]
invite outside of family to lunch/dinner once a week.

that's not all of them of course. just a sampling.

what's on your list?

It has been a while...

2008-09-21T20:00:00.000-07:00

And MUCH has happened in the meantime. Job hunting again. But there is a boy, an incredible wonderful man. :) More than happy to share, but dude, ask me directly. Gives me incentive to stop sucking at communication.

In other news, some "tab closing" as it is referred to on Neil Gaiman's blog (yes, yes, I have at last found a celebrity crush of sorts. Not a crush. ew. I'm crazy about his work. The dude himself, meh. Who cares? He writes good.)

Sass and Veracity is a culinary inspiration. I want to try practically every recipe she posts. Her blog posts make me drool. Even just thinking about them makes me drool.

Speaking of writers, this form letter from Robert Heinlein made me laugh.

If it weren't for the fact that it probably IS serious, I'd think this were a joke. What a bitter angry old man...

But this is WAY cool. Andy Rooney would most likely not approve. Those young'ns have no respect!

These are interesting: music videos in a cab. One trip. One song. One take..... Quite a few different artists have done it so far. And some with pretty big names.

And I am still trying to figure out why this

has been in Melody's away message for weeks. Darling are you saying you're a nihilist or are you saying you found squirrels? I hope it's the latter. But be careful. Squirrels are DANGEROUS!!! RUN AWAYYYYYYY!!!! oh... wait... that was a bunny rabbit wasn't it. Wrong movie.

Oh yeah. And I am teh w1n:

Cool. Hand. Luke. You know who you are. *shakes fist* So there.

man on wire

2008-09-03T19:18:00.000-07:00

O.O

I totally want to see this movie...

meet my new friend

2008-08-16T16:22:00.001-07:00

His name is James.

(as in "Bond, James Bond")

what's in a name?

2008-08-08T22:13:00.000-07:00

i take probably more personal pride in my name than perhaps i should. my parents named me. or at least the proximal cause of my name is my parents' decision when i was still in the womb. but really i don't think they named me. my own life fits my name's meaning more than coincidence could explain. the Father knew. He is the distal cause.

my first name means "my faithful"
my middle name means "to tie or bind"

... if you know me very well at all...

my brother's names mean "blessed" and "strong"

he is truly that.

so i have this thing about names.
and naming things.

let's combine that with the tradition in tech circles to name computers with unique identifiers - often in small networks, the identifiers are names, not numbers, as it is much easier to remember which is which.

let's go on a small journey.

my first computer was endowed with the name Reepicheep. i don't really remember why - i think there was a theme in the home network, as we also had (and i think still have) a Caspian and a Gandelf. 6 or 7 years later, when it descended into the technological purgatory of crashing hourly, i renamed it Iccarus - this described both it's new and annoying character flow, as well as my fantasies about said computer. i was living on the 13th floor of a highrise at the time. i was tempted daily. thankfully, my window did not open far enough for said computer to fit through. darn those suicide-proofed windows.

Iccarus was replaced by my current laptop, which is now approaching it's sixth birthday. his name is Koppiggui - koppig being a nordic word for "stubborn" and gui being chinese (i think mandarin) for "devil" or "demon". koppiggui has definitely been that. in her time, she has been through surgery many times - her hard drive (x2), her fan (x3), her motherboard (x2), and her keyboard/mousepad (at least once) have all been replaced. She has also had a full memory upgrade from 256MBx2 to 1GBx2. The stubborn devil still pretends to function, even though her power cable has been trashed (replaced with a sleek, modern, only partially compatible spare) and she can't keep a charge for more than an hour (she used to last 4+ hours!).

Koppiggui has been joined by some friends, who will remain for long past her demise. Lerato ("song of my soul") supplies the Tunes, while Zenodotus (the first librarian at the great Library of Alexandria) keeps files stored and organized in his spacious cave.

The car has not been named. It isn't my car. One day there will be a car with a name.

The reason I bring all this up? Koppiggui is about to get a big brother. She's just limping toooooo much. She needs a rest. Probably she will be reformatted to be an exclusively linnux box (she currently has 8 of her 40GB partitioned to linnux) for the purposed of experimentation and play.

Her big brother needs a name. He is in production right now. Scheduled to go into labor (ship date) on August 14th. Delivery is anticipated for August 20th at the latest. I would *love* some input on names. Here's what we already know about big brother:

Dell XPS 1530
Intel Core2Duo T8300
4GB RAM
256MB NVIDIA GeForce 8600
250GB HD
15.4" WXGA+ LED LCD
Wacom Bamboo tablet

reality

2008-08-08T18:37:00.000-07:00

it truly is stranger than fiction.

Now she has her pit bull cloned. But once she manacled a Mormon for sex

'tis just about the oddest news article I have ever read. trust me, you won't regret reading it.

who killed amanda palmer

2008-08-01T22:30:00.000-07:00

this project fascinates me. her first solo album.

the music style isn't really my personal taste preference. yet it is of higher quality and complexity than most of the bubble gum and tequila you get on the radio.

the stories told are a little disturbing. but they don't cross into the realm of chaos. nor, at least in my mind, do they glorify the pain they depict.

there is a strange beauty to it. it is sometimes chaotic but it is not characterized by chaos. it's not pleasant. it's not pretty. it depicts tragedy. the tragedy of many lives, personified in one person. it offers no answers.

while i believe there are answers to the problems ms. palmer poses, i think she does well to not try to answer them... easy answers incite only the most careless of thought. i feel like despite the coarseness, the turbulent intensity of both the sound and the images, she's dealt with the subjects in a surprisingly delicate, gentle way.

thoughts?

a sampler, to get me writing again

2008-07-31T23:14:00.000-07:00

I love this comic:

the parking lot at 6th and Flanders? don't park there. I have parked there twice. Both times got a ticket within 10 minutes of parking. The first time I deserved. The second time was a capricious parking attendant.

my favorite newsfeed is PostSecret.

i like driving home from downtown portland by going up burnside past where it turns into skyline. one day i want to take a sack lunch and have a picnic in the cemetary up there. you can see the whole city from that cemetary. (the one on skyline. not the one off of 26.)

sometimes my alma mater embarasses me. but taking classes at Portland State makes me thankful all over again for the education I was blesscursed with at Penn.

mild displays of affection in public are fine and dandy. excessive pda annoys me. come on people, it can't wait till you're not in public? grow up.

speaking of which, a girl who looks like she's 16 making out with a guy who's about 50 is just wrong. on so many levels. come on girl! you're worth so much more than just sex!

loving the Sandman series by Neil Gaiman. also loved American Gods and Stardust and am currently enjoying Fragile Things. he's just an all around incredible storyteller. i know i sound like a groupie... but that doesn't mean it isn't good.

blackboard isn't so bad when the gui is well designed. portland state did this correctly. penn did not. though i do not know how much of the difference is simply because portland state only implemented blackboard for the first time this year.

new computer is being built. which means i can actually work on my portfolio. work on some art things that have been on hold for what seems like ages. actually enjoy software like illustrator and photoshop again.

for now: bedtime. first time this week i will be in bed before midnight.

which reminds me. i have really cracked out dreams when i sleep midday.

i will be leaving town sunday just barely late enough that i might be able to go to church before. i <3 imago dei.

Question: How do you annoy a nerd?

2008-07-21T22:46:00.000-07:00

Answer: Write a chapter (in a textbook nonetheless!) on research methods and while doing so, fail to even mention (let alone explain!) the null hypothesis.

Needless to say, while I adore my instructor so far, I am less than impressed with the textbook.

things i like, part 1

2008-07-14T22:36:00.000-07:00

i like rain
and thunder
and lightning

i like dark nights
full moons
behind skeletal trees

rocking on porch swings
under a soft woven blanket
overlooking the ocean

i like sleeping in
on a cool spring morning
with the sun streaming through the window

i like summer evenings
the smell of the air as it cools (yum)
wafts of charcoal and citronella (ew)

trails through the forest
dappled sunlight
gold and green

i like a good book
a cup of coffee
and a deep couch

i like working hard
looking back on the day
the week
the month
seeing change
seeing growth

thesis

2008-06-08T00:33:00.000-07:00

for those of you who didn't get to see it in philly during the exhibition last year.

[turn your sound up, as it is a little quiet, but make sure your sound balance is a little bass heavy. color will, inevitably, vary depending on your monitor.]

emo tonight

2008-06-04T22:58:00.000-07:00

Makin' my way downtown,
Walkin' fast,
Faces pass and I'm homebound.

Starin' blankly ahead,
Just makin' my way,
Makin' a way through the crowd.

And I still need you,
And I still miss you,
And now I wonder...

If I could fall into the sky,
Do you think time would pass me by?
'Cause you know I'd walk a thousand miles
If I could just see you...
If I could just hold you...
Tonight.

This song played on the radio as I was driving home today. I had been ruminating all day. Music, as usual, said what I couldn't even get right in my head. And when I understood, it was all I could do to not cry [cause it's hard to drive when you turn into a leaky faucet].

we feel fine

2008-06-04T22:17:00.000-07:00

on a night when I have been feeling down in the dumps I open my never used yahoo email to find this gem in my inbox:

Hi, I'm contacting you today because I'm working with Sep Kamvar and Jonathan Harris on a book about feelings on the web. We found an image on your blog that we found beautiful, and we wanted to get your permission to use it in the book. The book is based on the website We Feel Fine
(http://www.wefeelfine.org). ...

and the guy continues on to tell about We Feel Fine, along with details about compensation, all the legal shit and stuff. [I started marking all of my pictures in flickr (which is where they found it) copyright protected about a year ago.]

anyways.

the reason I'm posting about it is because I think the website is AWESOME. It's like... well it's just awesome and I had never seen it before. so check it out.

an unexpected detour

2008-05-22T23:12:00.000-07:00

The main transit line in Portland gets pretty crowded between 5 and 6pm on a normal weeknight. I was lucky this time. I got a seat, even though I got on the train at a fairly central stop right at the peak of rush hour. After a few stops, the woman sitting behind me asks the man next to her about what time the train would reach her stop. Her stop is too far past his usual route for him to guess accurately. I know approximately how long it will take so I look back at her and tell her. At this point she gets concerned. She is trying to make it to a point south of McMinnville. She can take a bus to McMinnville from Hillsboro and then a second bus right to her doorstep. The catch? The last bus out of Hillsboro going in her direction leaves at 630p. It's already six and she still has a 40 min train ride to get to Hillsboro.

Right about this point in the conversation,
I realize that I am going to be driving her to McMinnville.

The feeling crept up on me in the same way as the feeling that since I have a leftover sandwich, I will give it to the person begging on the street corner, and if I don't, I'll just end up coming back so I might as well just do it. The same way as the feeling that I am going to be listening to a friend go through meltdown the night before I have a major exam. The same thing when I know I should call someone whom I haven't heard from or spoken to or even thought of recently... they'll suddenly be on my mind and in my heart constantly until I call. If you read my post about the rose, this is the same feeling I got when I backtracked a block to give the rose to the guy I had just passed. Sometimes it's big things. Sometimes it's little things. When I try to ignore them, the feeling nags at me until I give in and just do it. I'm slowly learning that it's usually simpler to just listen to these "gut feelings" from the outset, because 99 times out of 100, they have nothing to do with indigestion.

Anyways... I get this feeling. I know that in 30 min when we reach my station, this woman will be getting off the train with me and getting in my car. I try to ignore it. I have somewhere to be at 7:30p. I've had to pee for like... 3 hours. I've been on my feet all day. I am getting hungry. But inevitably it'll all wait. I'll be driving to McMinnville.

Let's pop back down into the train to see how things are going.

Apparently this woman is a caregiver for an elderly man she lives with. Turns out, if she misses her bus, she'll just get back on the train, return downtown and stay in a women's shelter. She doesn't want to. Stay in the shelter, or backtrack. But she doesn't know anyone in Hillsboro.

Now mind you, I have never been to McMinnville. I know it's over 20 miles out of my way. I know it's south west of where we are. And that's about all I know. If we get there, I don't know where to take this woman and she doesn't seem to have a great sense of direction. I start asking questions. I've already decided to take her. I'm just feeling out how complicated this is all going to get. I'm not interested in ending up in ER for 10 hrs with a stranger again. Not today at least. I hear myself, in full control of my faculties, saying, "Ok, well my car is at the train station. If I can get you to McMinneville, will you be able to make it home from there?" She is in shock. Joyous shock. She starts praisin' God right there. Not loud or anything. But she knows who really came through for her. No normal sane person does this kind of shit. She keeps saying how the Lord is taking such good care of her. None of this all is lost on the guy sitting next to her. I think he was more shocked by my offer, and that it was for real, than by her delighted praise. He kept kind of looking into his lap with this funny kind of confused, kind of amused, kind of embarassed expression on his face.

So this lady and I get to talking, since she is going to be my travel buddy on this spontaneous roadtrip that I think is going to be about 20 miles. She doesn't know this, but I didn't know how close we were to my stop until I looked up and said "This is our stop." The poor guy next to my new friend looked like he wasn't sure what to do. He almost looked like he was going to try to be a bodyguard/escort but then thought better of it. As my dad observed later, "You can't blame him for being confused. There's just no protocol for this kind of thing." I really actually wonder what he thought of all this. Maybe he learned something new. They will know you by your love for each other.

We get off the train. We get in the car. Crap. McMinneville is somewhere in Yamhill County. The maps in my car only cover Washington County and Greater Portland. I call my mom as we're pulling out of the parking lot. "Do me a favor. I'm going to McMinneville. Don't ask why. Just tell me how to get there." She finds a map, gives me a basic route: West on Highway 8, South on 47. She hangs up. [I found out later she had been on the phone for the last 3 hrs in difficult conference calls and was just doing whatever she could to be able to hang up. Poor mommy. :( ] Off we go. I arm my passenger, whose name I find out is Lisa, with an apple and a bottle of water and we take off. 50 miles or so later, I am letting her out at the bus stop in McMinnville and she is even a half hour early for the bus that will drop her off at her doorstep. Oh. And we did talk therapy regarding her family for the entire car ride. :)

Really, I could not make this stuff up. I'm not that creative. I keep getting pulled into things like this though. I must admit, I'm usually a willing, if hesitant, participant.

Now just think, my whole day was strange. And even after telling that story, I can still say that my day would have been a bit... surprising? (I don't even know what word to use to describe it) even without this adventure.

Out of it all, that and the other things included, I had/have such an incredible sense of God just... being in control, that I've got more peace about everything than I really could ask or hope for. I don't know where anything is going, but for now at least, that uncertainty doesn't bother me in the least.

PS: In case you were wondering, McMinnville wasn't 20 miles out of my way. It was about 47 miles out of my way. IN EACH DIRECTION. I'd say it's a good thing I didn't know that, but honestly, if I did, it probably would not have mattered.

PPS: I logged 155 miles today, including 2.5 mi on foot, 22 mi by mass transit, and a 4 mi driving detour due to a wrong turn (a wrong turn that I should have known better on). This does not include whatever mileage one could assign to pacing at work. Does that break some kind of record?

PPPS: All that to say, I am going to bed and I am not going to sleep like a baby. I am going to sleep like a rock. And not just any rock. A boulder. Like... a big one. I feel like pretty much anything could happen at this moment and it wouldn't phase me.

PPPPS: I did not get accepted for the doctorate program.

PPPPPS: The above was disappointing, but felt as droplets of water on a duck's back. Apparently God knows what He's doing.

PPPPPPS: The more I do to actively do what God seems to be prompting, the more clearly He speaks. The more clearly He speaks, the more I realize I have no clue what He's doing, except that it all seems more than a little cracked out, which seems to work. Reminds me of a conversation from earlier in the day... I can't remember the exact words, he phrased it better than I can, but it was about how the Israelites of the Old Testament actually EXPECTED God to do crazy unexpected miraculous magical unexplainable things and that this was all part of showing evidence that it was God, and not just some crazy dude standing on the street corner screaming at passersby and calling himself a prophet.

PPPPPPPS: As I was driving home, I was listening to an old cassette tape that I had made in... 8th grade? Carolyn Arend. I can hear you. I can hear your voice. I can hear you (I can hear you.) It's so amazing how your voice keeps breaking through... I can hear you!

PPPPPPPPS: I just had to add one more P for good measure. ;)

twilight zone

2008-05-22T22:11:00.000-07:00

you know how some days start normal and just keep getting more and more surreal the longer you live it out?

yeah. today has been like that. it started at 6:30am. it's 10:15p now and the most recent increase in "surrealness" happened about 5 minutes ago. I was going to write about a spontaneous 40 mile road trip with a total stranger, but I think I'm going to wait and see how the rest of the day goes. there's still 2 hours left of thursday and I have this uncanny feeling that God's not finished with me...

[in case you're one of the worriers in my life, nothing about today has been *bad.* All just more and more surprising and strange.]

cleaning house

2008-05-20T00:27:00.000-07:00

I've not written much lately.

Not just here. Usually I'm journaling something or another. Remember the whole thing about how I process stuff externally? When I stop processing altogether, it's often because there's something I'm avoiding. I realized this at church yesterday and it kind of and kind of didn't surprise me. So what's eating at me? Methinks t'would be prudent to not open that can of worms in public forum.

Suffice it to say, I plan to be making a concerted effort to write at least once a day over the next week or two. And no computer games for a while. And a massive cleaning spree. Been letting things like laundry and stacks of to-do's slide. Anyone reading this can feel free to check in with me that I'm doing this stuff. It's all driving me crazy but whatever is gnawing at me is encouraging me to run and hide from myself, so the best way I can think of to stop that is to look full in the mirror and give it the what-for.

This week: FULL clean, back to levels that can/should be maintained.
Next week: Lamp needs to just be done. Madeline L'Engle wrote eloquently on how the work in artwork has to be kept up. That like prayer, and sleep, and eating, and all of that, it has to be done every day to progress, otherwise we get stuck in a rut.
Both weeks: daily journaling, MA application.

I'm serious. If you ask if I am doing this, I will be honest. and you are hereby authorized to kick my arse if I fess up to not doing it.

And maybe after processing a bit, I'll be able to write something worth reading again. In the meantime, I may post an edit of an essay/personal statement that I wrote for the doctorate application.

---

On a side note, one of the recent experiences that reaffirmed my desire to go into the mental health professions brought the stark realization that I need to not have my real name attached to any kind of online, phone or even *gasp* postal (therefore living address) communication. Starting the "scrub" now will be easier than doing it all at once later. As it is, my web presence attached to my real/full name is pretty small, as I did a partial scrub during the initial job application process. If you know of anything that I may not have seen recently, please let me know (privately! no point in publishing it again in a post comment! haha)

ebay

2008-05-08T01:42:00.000-07:00

i feel like such an internet n00b.

i just bid on something on ebay for the first time ever. like... i had to create an account just to bid.

Tuber Soup (for the SOUL!!!!)

2008-05-02T01:07:00.000-07:00

who needs chicken soup and cheesy collections of sappy stories when you can have TUBER SOUP?

this one was 100% winging it and hoo boy did it turn out good! (Jarka agreed!)

Prepare ahead of time:

approx 4L of homemade chicken stock (~1 gallon).
If you MUST use store-bought stock, make sure to get something with a relatively low sodium content, so you can control how salty it all gets. Quality stock is important, so shoot for something organic from a place like Trader Joe's or New Season's.

In a large soup pot, melt 2-4T butter and add:

1-2 large leeks, sliced thinly
2-4 cloves of garlic, minced
2-5 green onions, chopped

Saute until leek becomes transluscent.

Add chicken stock and bring to a boil.

To the boiling stock add, peeled and cubed to 1" or smaller:

2 sweet potatoes
1 jewel yams
1 turnip
1 large idaho potato OR 2-4 small golden/red potatoes

Return pot to boil, then simmer uncovered for 2-4 hours, stirring occasionally adding water as necessary to keep legumes covered. As it is cooking, salt to taste.

Allow soup to cool completely.* This step is important. If you skip this, your soup might explode during the next step. Then you'll be licking it off of the cabinets, floor, and probably ceiling, instead of spooning it out of a bowl.

Separate 2-5 cups of the solids (depending on how chunky you like your soup) and set aside.

Put the remaining soup in a blender, food processor or large bowl+handmixer, and whip the crap out of it. ie... it should be the consistency of runny baby food when you're done with it. If you need to, do this step in batches. (I refilled my blender 4 times.)

Pour puree back into the pot. Return to the burner and fold in the solids that had been set aside as you reheat the soup. At this time you can optionally add 1/2 cup of a dry white wine** and/or a touch of cream. Do a final salt check before serving.

Garnish with a touch of fresh parsley.

Yield: 10-12 appetizer course servings or approx 8 main course servings.

* this is easiest to do by simply cooking the soup the day before it is to be served, cooling in the pot on the stove, then refrigerating until ~30 min before serving.
** do not bring to a full boil after adding wine/spirits or cream.

grammatical peevishness

2008-04-24T19:45:00.001-07:00

so anyone who reads this blog knows that i am no perfect grammarian. i have managed to acquire the bad habit of not capitalizing anything. my punctuation and grammar is imperfect, though usually used deliberately. not always correct, but most of the time done with purpose and thoughtfulness. i am no grammar nazi.

there are however some grammatical, punctuation and spelling errors that drive me crazy. they are errors of laziness in any person with a 10th grade level of literacy (i'm being generous here. i had these down well earlier than that).

‹rant›

what is the difference in meaning between the following words?

your vs. you're

their vs. they're vs. there

these are not difficult to keep separate. do we need to review? the first word of each line is a possessive pronoun. the second word is a contraction which combines a pronoun and a form the the verb "to be". the third word in the second line is a location reference. these are VERY different meanings that should be understood with basic literacy. someone with a college education only can habitually get these wrong by force of sheer laziness. which is why it drives me crazy. if you use these words wrongly on a regular basis, i will judge you for it.

one notable exception to the above rule is:

it's vs. its

as the two words confuse the normal rules of forming possessives. it took me a very long time to learn which was which and i still sometimes have to think about it. so this one is a freebie. it's hard.

‹!-- NEXT--›

u and ur and w/e and all that similar crap that people use on cell phones to fit in the character limit.

if you're using it on your cell phone, fine. whatever. it's still annoying but i understand. but in emails and instant messaging conversations that do not have a character limit, it's just stupid. it's lazy too. but really it's just stupid. and yes. i WILL think you are an idiot if you use these on any media other than a cell phone.

and please. please. PLEASE.

don't make up your own abbreviations. no one will understand you. or if they do... well they will probably think you're a bit odd. someone who will remain nameless recently started using "rog" as a shortening of "roger" when he was affirming that he had gotten the message. i know what it means and it still makes me think "wtf? oh wait... oooohhhh..."

.:EXCEPTION.1:.
standardized shortenings that have been around since the dawn of computing such as but not limited to the following: brb, lol, rofl, lmao, wtf, ftw, omg, etc. are all acceptable to use in chat, however generally not advisable in emails. but be warned: if you say any of these text based abbreviations out loud, i will personally shoot you.

.:EXCEPTION.2:.
txt is acceptable in any written form, if and ONLY if, one is referring to phone-based txt messaging. in this case, i think of it as a separate and unique noun/verb that is not equivalent to text.

‹!-- NEXT--›

people who neglect punctuation to the extent that the meaning of the text changes dramatically pisses me off

Question: does the text change dramatically? or do the changes piss me off to a dramatic degree?

text is fraught with misunderstandings that result from a lack of vocal tone, inflection, facial expressions and body language. let's not confuse things further by removing the text's structural cues as well.

‹!-- NEXT--›

people who yell at other people for their bad grammar.

yes. this annoys me. especially when it interrupts the flow of the conversation. i had a friend who used to type "RECEIVE!!!" (just like that) every time i spelled it "recieve." it pissed me off. it's just rude. judge me on my poor spelling. you can even bitch about it if you want but don't interrupt the conversation to tell me how much my spelling sucks. [ie and ei words are a weakness of mine. i have always had problems with spelling these properly.] generally even if your writing habits annoy the crap out of me, i won't comment at all. this rant being the rare exception.

‹/rant›

that's it for now.

tired of junk mail?

2008-04-24T19:42:00.000-07:00

i am so going to start doing this.

bwahahahahahaahaha!

[insert witty title here]

2008-04-10T15:58:00.000-07:00

random (and not so random) thoughts from various points over the last week, including many from today.

basically, i figure jesus was not ever obscenely crude but at the same time... if he had a stick up his ass like so many church people seem to, he'd be more popular with the pharisees and less loved by the drunkards and gamblers and whores and tax collectors.

i am at heart, a child (alternately joyful and scared shitless) and a hopeless romantic; in mind, an idealist and an optimist with practical undertones and a mild cynical streak.

pandora does not play radio edits of songs. they play the original song with all the naughty curse words included. i appreciate this.

as i write however, pandora has just failed me. hillary duff's singing voice for the first time. AGONY. i think i need to play some heavy metal just to make my ears stop bleeding.

the reason i can change and my relationship with God can change and be a dynamic living thing, even though he never changes (which would imply a bad kind of static), is because he's sooooooooooo big that he doesn't NEED to change in order to cope with my changes and our changes.

the best rendition of Gloria Gaynor's "I will Survive" is by Cake on the album Fashion Nugget

ignoramus is a wonderful word. why do i not use it more often?

watch for a future post on linguistic pet peeves.

this is an interesting blog.

Big Bang Theory = the funniest tv show i have seen in ages. i worry about what that says about me. actually... i don't. it's a good show. and this is coming from one who professes a generalized hatred of tv. so don't knock it.

every interest group has its own specialized language. i was reminded of this by the arrival of a knitting group at the coffee shop (see below) where i was studying today.

insomnia coffee company in hillsboro is my third place. (it is their first anniversary! check out the festivities tomorrow and saturday at Baseline and 53rd from 6am-midnight. live music in the evening.)

ya know the BS, MS, PhD joke? [BS = bull shit, MS = more shit, PhD = piled higher and deeper] it doesn't work with liberal arts degrees. the irony inherent in this amuses me to no end.

i greatly enjoyed American Gods by Neil Gaiman. it all felt familiar. maybe because the real yet surreal and fascinating yet eerie feel about it reminds me of my dreams. this should give you an idea of how ridiculously strange my dreams are.

yellow on blue is a great combination. hahahahahahahahahahaha

ben's theory on the compatibility of friends of friends is more true than i knew. increased sample size continues to yeild the same conclusions.

i have said this before, but brie mac'n'cheese is whoa yum.

harry's daughter is an incredibly beautiful baby. i wish i had a picture cause if i did, i would post it to show you. (now i have a picture. thanks benni!)

Bavarian food is flavorful but marked by a distinctive lack of "hot" spices.

lg chocolate makes me drool. i think i get a new phone in april? may? IF i renew contract. hmmmm.............

waiting on grad school admissions is nervewracking.

if i feel pressured to do something, i am likely to be strongly adverse to doing it, even if i would have been willing to otherwise.

tonight at dinner my dad and i debated the differences between homemade tomato-basil biqsue [him: ew.][me:YUM!] vs. campbell's tomato soup [me: ew.][him: *chokes gags dies*] vs. v8-type drinks [him: yea-uh!][me: EW!].

we also pontificated on how the daring boy robin that is viciously attacking our windows instead of chasing pretty girl robins is removing itself from the gene pool, thus ensuring that his maladaptive behavior is not passed on to the next generation. :P

Jazzercise from Hell: 80's Night

2008-03-26T23:17:00.000-07:00

so some good ol' Queen came up in a playlist earlier tonight. it conjured frightening images of men with mullets, spandex leggings, scrunch socks (matching wrist and headbands!), and gold unitards. like a "Jazzercise from Hell: 80's Night" vhs tape. 30 minutes to a sexy bod!

you just wait...

2008-03-26T13:33:00.000-07:00

but i'll never give up
it'll never stop.
for i believe in my dreams
because of my pop
he told me "son,
you gotta love what you do.
don't worry about the money,
it'll come to you."

i wrote a letter to my mother the other day
(ooo oo oo oo ooo)
i told her i thought i failed
in every way
(ooo oo oo oo ooo)
"pick yourself up son
up right off of the floor"

you just wait
there's gonna come a day
when i'll be back
i'll make it you'll see
all i need is my suitcase
and my fancy guitar...

-selections from "Local Artist", Keegan Smith

a beggar, hungry

2008-03-23T01:06:00.000-07:00

when you see someone in need what do you do?

to have within one's power the ability to render aid in a moment of desperation and to hold back that power, to refuse aid, offering instead "i'll pray for you"

it transforms those four short words from a blessing to a curse.

if you are hungry and ask someone with food to share, and they refuse you, saying "i hope you find something to eat, because i care", would that not be salt in the wound? would it have been better to say nothing? not that it isn't humiliating enough to beg.

is this why people hate Christians? we pray too much and love too little? or maybe we don't do enough of either.

if you are my friend and i do this to you beat me until i understand how callously i have treated you. i know now how this hurts.

from the test kitchen: beefy love

2008-03-19T18:58:00.000-07:00

i must be low on protein or iron or both cause i have been craving beef all week. tonight's quick meal was as follows and surprised me in how good it turned out.

combine:

1 lb extra lean ground beef
a few shakes of mixed Italian seasoning (1-2 tsp)
1 egg
2 small handfuls bread crumbsform into small medallions (which cook faster) or meatballs.

set aside.

in a large bowl empty entire contents of

1 can white beans (do NOT drain)

using a hand mixer, blend till smooth-ish, then whisk in:

1 heaping T Dijon mustard
1 can tomato paste (the small kind)
2 heaping T light sour cream
2 tsp-ish mixed Italian seasoning

pan fry the beef medallions in just enough olive oil that they don't stick.
when cooked, pour the bean sauce into the pan with the beef and pan juices, stir well.

heat till bubbling, then reduce heat and simmer for 5-10 min, stirring occasionally.

Serves 3-4 over steamed rice.

Prep time: 10-15 min
Cook time: 15 min. (plus rice)
Total time: 30 min start to finish.

*because of the high bean content, the sauce will form a skin fairly rapidly. just mix it back in.
**because of the high overall protein content, this meal is very filling and small portions go a long way.

screwing with my life

2008-03-14T18:13:00.001-07:00

so God is kind of (really a lot) screwing with my life right now in some big (humongo) ways.

God's kind of funny that way - He's not tame. not at all. which makes life uncertain and kind of scary but oddly exhilerating.

comfort food

2008-03-07T10:37:00.000-08:00

Rosemary Brie Mac'n'Cheese
I had to leave out the mushrooms
and make some minor substitutions for
ingredients I didn't have but still
OH YUM

+

Covey Run Chardonay
cheap (about $5/bottle)
local
not bad

+

French Chocolate Truffles
a christmas gift from Jarka.
Costco size!

that was last night when I was trying to relearn 8th grade geometry that I haven't used since..... uhm 10th grade? and trying to ignore the rest of the chaos of life.

on verbal vomit and the writing process

2008-02-21T13:15:00.000-08:00

I've been working on grad school applications. Which means I have been writing with a concrete purpose, concrete prompts, for the first time in a while. The process has reminded me a lot about how I write. Basically, it gets down to a very very simple formula, whether I am writing scientific research or a philosophical treatise or a simple blog entry:

1. Vomit brain matter onto paper or screen.
2. Edit the vomit.
3. Publish.
4. OH SHIT. Repeat steps 2 & 3.
5. Repeat steps 2-4 until 4 no longer presents itself.

You think I am joking. Do you know how many times most of my blog entries get republished? I write it, post, and then immediately reread it. I edit it, put it back up over the original, and repeat the process. Often as many as 5 times. Most of these edits are minor. Phrasing of a particular sentence, formatting of this or that part to make the form match the content, spelling of a word, replacing another word. The part of me that I get from my father is able to obsess over these things until they are perfect.

But I only obsess when I have time to obsess. When I took the AP exams in high school, I NEVER edited my essays. Similarly with essays written during exams in college. My essays for class that I could take home would take hours upon hours because I'd go through the process explained above. But when I have a time crunch, I just vomit on the paper and hope the vomit makes sense to someone else.

Here's the thing though: outlining doesn't work for me until AFTER I have gone through the brain spew process. All of those "pre-writing" excersizes don't work for me, because until I write, I have nothing formed in my head enough to organize. Pre-writing as an organizational technique requires that the writer be one that processes thoughts internally chronologically prior to expressing those thoughts. As many who are close to me know, I process my thoughts by expressing them. I have to talk or write or something in order to make sense of the mess in my head. It can take a few minutes or it can take a few days but I have to put it into concrete words in order to organize it, and I can't seem to do that in my head very well. It is actually more useful, and I end up with a better final product, when I do the pre-writing excersizes after writing the first draft, as an editing technique, rather than a brainstorming technique. When I was in college I hated it when an instructor said we had to turn in a fully written thesis paragraph for our papers a week or two before the due date. The first and last paragraph for me can not be well written unless I write them last. Otherwise, there ends up beng no connection between the thesis statement and the content of the paper. Now this can be a serious problem sometimes, because it means that I do not really know what I am going to write until it is already written. However it also means that writing for me is a part of the learning process. I learn as much from writing or talking as I do from reading or listening.

Heck, I don't even usually know how I feel about something until I start talking about it, which of course means many foot in mouth moments. :P

*I am going to try to resist the urge to edit this.
**Thank you, Willow, for encouraging me to post again.

keep the fire burning

2007-12-15T01:03:00.000-08:00

i was skimming facebook before bed as i do actually very rarely and i came across this image. i had to post it because the quote from Pablo Picasso is at the core of my passion when it comes to art.

"Every child is an artist. The problem is to remain an artist once he grows up."

We are creative beings. It pains me so much to hear an adult who earns a living on creative problem solving say things like

"I am not creative. I can't even draw a straight line."

I'll tell you a secret. I can't draw a truly straight line even with a ruler. It is never perfect. But that says nothing about my creativity.

"I can barely draw stick figures."

My most treasured "drawing" recently consists of stick figures and arrows scrawled on a paper tablecloth with crayons.

Children never make these ridiculous excuses until they reach the age that adults start replacing praise and encouragement with criticisms of a nature that creates scars that can last a lifetime. And once a person is hurt in this way and starts making such excuses, such self-damaging yet oddly self-preserving statements, they never seem to stop.

I worry about children and the risk that our society puts them at when it comes to losing their creative drive. But my passion, oddly enough is rather in trying to help adults who think they have lost it to realize that it never went anywhere, that it is only overburdened with labels and destructive criticism and crying out to be set free.

Educators take delight in seeing the lightbulb turn on in someone who has struggled and finally comprehends a difficult concept. I take delight in the lightbulb that I see when a middle aged woman looks around a room of adults in the process of spontaneous creation and realizes that we are creative, that clay and crayons are not just for children, that she herself has just made a beautiful and unique thing as she kept her hands busy during a long meeting. For me, seeing that is like seeing the world made new, seeing creation redeemed, for one person, if even for a moment.

winter cocoa

2007-11-14T22:01:00.000-08:00

i am the self proclaimed queen of hot cocoa. try some!

winter cocoa for two

16 oz milk (1or 2%. skim just doesn't cut it for cocoa.)
1 heaping tablespoon cocoa powder (I use hershey's, but any unsweetened baking cocoa will work)
3 heaping tablespoons cane sugar
1 shallow (ie the opposite of heaping) tablespoon vanilla extract.
optional: a dash of cream

heat in a saucepan on medium-low temp, stirring constantly to avoid scalding the milk.

then add (if desired) and stir over the stove until well mixed:

2 miniature candy canes, stirring on stove until melted.
OR
2-4 drops almond extract
AND/OR
2-4 tablespoons of rum

pour into mugs and serve immediately, optionally topped with whipped cream or miniature marshmellows.

retards unite!

2007-11-06T19:59:00.001-08:00

in probably 90% of my relationships of any kind, i am the bird on the right. and 90% may be a conservative figure. does this bother me? dude, read the previous post and ask that stupid question again. i dare ya.

oh, my little chicken*

2007-11-04T01:42:00.000-07:00

Emo Chicken
is lonely.

--

SPAWN!
Someone made emo chicken a little less lonely for a night.
Now there are salty, crusty mutant spawn.
We think the father may have been the bastard son
of a flour cannister and a jar of Crisco.

--

Aftermath
The evil spawn apparently committed matricide
and ate their lonely mother.
Here we see them celebrate the occassion with
tequila shots
as a compliment to their saltiness.**

--

*in trying to think of a title for this post, look what we found! "My Little Chicken"
**Melody says: I am so glad they are not my children. Holy Crap!

i am a snob

2007-10-29T17:01:00.000-07:00

apparently. i am the accused and the accuser. you are the jury. the evidence follows.

Exhibit A:

me: do people think weird things about perforated printer business cards?
mom: not really
me: cause i think they're shoddy even if they have a nice design but for now i have to get over that :P
mom: it will have to do for now
me: i'm thinking really really simple.
me: maybe two sided tho
me: name centered on front
me: phone and email on back
me: all black text
me: carefully picked font
mom: sounds good
me: :)
mom: you have good taste
me: what i'd love
me: is a black card
me: with white or silver lettering
me: same design
me: but all black
me: haha
me: i'm such a frickin snob
mom: you are
me: HAHAHA
me: my mom just called me a snob
mom: no you did
me: you agreeed!

Exhibit B: after showing someone else the above exchange

him: lol
me: you should see my bookshelf. it's kind of sad. i was looking at it the other day and was like... wow. i'm a book snob.
me: what's wrong with me?!?!
him: better than being a book whore
me: true.

from fighting to listening

2007-10-21T22:51:00.000-07:00

If you have been reading this blog for a time now or if you have just stumbled upon it, you have probably noticed the "works.in.progress" bars on the right. They move in odd ways. Sometimes forward. Sometimes back. Some move remarkably fast. Others remarkably slow. The ones that are listed at 5% or lower are actually still only in their conceptual phase, with a few sketches here and a note or two there. Some works move rapidly, for example, the bracelet for Jetz which took only 4 hours from start to finish. At a steady rate Chad's scarf moves along. I knit 4-16 rows a night, which takes very little dedicated time, while still seeing progress. With that there was no conceptual work to be done, it is simply a repeating pattern that must be executed.

The work that has moved most agonizingly slowly is the first commissioned piece I have ever embarked upon. Kate, for better or for worse, has allowed much creative freedom and has sent money to cover costs but has set no due date. I moved along rapidly with it to a point. And then I had to start making decisions. The time for real creating was at hand. I sketched this. And sketched that. And even did preparatory cutting for this idea. Or carefully scaled drawings for that. I would work furiously for a few hours, then not touch it for a week. Nothing I came up with seemed quite right and when I thought I had made a decision at long last about what I was going to do, I did not touch it for more than two weeks after - it STILL wasn't right.

Finally, I think something has become the right path for this work. I say I think, because it may change. But this one, unlike the others, feels right. And this time, it feels right enough to move forward, unafraid of making irreversible mistakes (though as one of my professors once said "honor thy mistake as hidden intent" haha).

So why does this matter? Who am I defending myself to? No one. Kate still is patient as ever. Every time I set a deadline for myself, she says "don't worry. there's no rush." (And I think, "but if I don't have something pressing me, it will never be done.")

This all has reminded me of some of the things Madeline L'Engle discusses in Walking on Water, and much earlier in the book than I remember:

When the artist is truly the servant of the work, the work is better than the artist; Shakespeare knew how to listen to his work, and so he often wrote better than he could write; Bach composed more deeply, more truly than he knew...

When the work takes over, then the artist is enabled to get out of the way, not to interfere. When the work takes over, then the artist listens. But before he can listen, paradoxically, he must work. Getting out of the way and listening is not something that comes easily, either in art or in prayer.

...The prayers of words cannot be elimated. And I must pray them daily, whether I feel like praying or not. Otherwise, when God has something to say to me, I will not know how to listen. Until I have worked through self, I will not be enabled to get out of the way.

Someone wrote, "The principal part of faith is patience," and this applies, too, to art of all disciplines. We must work every day, whether we feel like it or not, otherwise when it comes time to get out of the way and listen to the work, we will not be able to heed it.

and I love that she weaves together inextricably the disciplines of faith with those of work and life. So the point of all that, is that I've been fighting with this project for Kate, and finally it has won and I am listening to it, and it is blossoming in my hands and the crazy thing is that while I have a guiding idea of where it is going now, I no longer have "control" as it were. My time for work is over and the time for listening and responding is here. And in art, as well as in life, that change is an incredibly freeing threshold to cross.

the end of the beginning

2007-10-17T23:17:00.000-07:00

the rain begins to fall as we put the last of our things in the trunk. i get in the car. he goes back into the house.

        to see if we forgot anything.

i listen to the music play and stare out the window. the music is beautiful and sad. it seems fitting. he returns. the car begins to move. the song ends. i restart it.

        i like that song.

he drives with one hand so i can have the other. the only sound is the music and the rain.
    he's watching the road.
    but i,
    i am watching him.
        i see every time he bites his lip
        and resolutely keeps his eyes on the increasingly invisible road ahead.
the rain pounds harder, harder, the white lines long before faded into the wet pavement. we say nothing. the song changes and we start to sing along, the only part of the song we mean.

everything's going to be all right, rockabye, rockabye.

the airport rises from the grey soup of rain, of predawn dark, of glowing taillights.

everything's going to be all right, rockabye, rockabye, rockabye.

    curve

curve

    curve

s    l    o    w

stop.
don't move.
look.

doors open, slam shut.

bags out on the ground.
hug. kiss. go.

look back. drive away as the escalator rises.
goodbyes are never easy.

the end of the beginning.

daily life on paper

2007-10-06T14:17:00.000-07:00

I have been cleaning out my room this week. Among the things I found were a bunch of old calendars. They were taking up space and ended up recycled but I scanned a few representative pages, as they were kind of interesting to look at, both visually and as a snapshot of my life.

[click images for larger view]

Exhibit A: April 2005
Organized bus(i)(y)ness.

--

Exhibit B: September 2005
Organized bus(i)(y)ness.
With a little guilt (todo lists) on top.

--

Exhibit C: April 2006
Insanity tracked and traced.
Messy but everything in its place.

--

Exhibit D: November 2006
Carefully controlled madness.
Insanity has become a well-oiled and finely tuned machine.

--

Exhibit E: April 2007
Panic under the hood.
Toxic meltdown on the horizon.

--

I am still amazed that I survived. Many thanks to the many people who did so much to take care of me.

good credit, bad credit, no credit

2007-09-29T20:00:00.000-07:00

<rant>

apparently, if you have no credit history, you must not be even remotely likely to one day have good credit.

i applied for a credit card the other day at a bank i have been with since i was 12. they have my entire financial history. i have over-drawn my checking by like 5 dollars twice, both times with overdraft protection kicking in instantly. i paid my rent on time when i was paying rent. i've had plastic (debit) for 5 years without problems. i have never bounced a check. i've been steadily employed since i was 14. i have a job that pays well for where i am at in life. do they care? no. of course not. because i have no credit history. i have zero debt. apparently they don't care about that either. they offered me a maximum that was less than 1/4 of what i need it to be. now this wouldn't bother me personally - i am not looking to spend more than i can pay back immediately - but expensed business travel without having a company card means everything is out of pocket until i get reimbursed at the end of the month. and when you combine airfare, hotel, transportation and food.... that adds up quickly. this means that i will be able to pay off the full balance, but does the bank care about this either? no. of course not. my parents have a great credit history and are willing to cosign. you guessed it: my bank still doesn't give a shit.

so why am i ranting about this here? because this all gave me an incredibly personal example of how much the "institution" favors those who have against those who have not. now it makes sense to make it hard for someone with a bad credit history to take out more money - cause that can be bad for everyone involved. and it makes sense to be a bit... slow on the uptake, for someone who's "unproven", but it seems to be a system that assumes the worst about every individual and acts on it, which makes proving oneself akin to swimming upriver.

</rant>

panda baby

2007-09-25T20:00:00.000-07:00

I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket...

because you were softer than soft

because you were warm, even though your nose was cold

...because for so many years, you were my blanket.
1991-2007

No shit, Sherlock.

2007-09-13T19:41:00.000-07:00

No shit, Sherlock.
A double-dose of trite and pedantic fortune cookie advise.
Struck me as funny, given that
I got these out of the same cookie
just after coming back from Germany
and really did have no money.

*Photo cerca early August.

potentialities

2007-09-13T04:38:00.000-07:00

impossible probabilities
and
probable impossibilities*

i want both to be probable and possible.

*rest in peace, dear Madeline.

the rear-view mirror

2007-09-05T00:33:00.000-07:00

everything makes more sense there, no?

throw away years of planing in exchange for the unknown, and in the unknown finding freedom and unity
.
hopes for this or that dashed, again and again, only to realize later that what was hoped for would have morphed into regret
.
plans made poorly are confounded, giving way to an incredible journey of improvisation

and yet i am impatient with confusion and uncertainty in the here, the now, today.

mirror, mirror, on the dashboard, i want to look forward (not back).

fear, control, trust.
me and the rear-view mirror, well, we got to talking:

i want to know the future.
why?
well, what if i don't like what's there?
you think you can control that?
maybe i could...
...
ok i probably couldn't. but maybe...
would you even trust yourself to?
...not really.
you just don't like not being in control.
right.
but there is someone in control.
yeah well i don't think i trust Him either.
why not?
because i'm afraid of Him. He might do something... unexpected.
so you're afraid of Him because He is completely out of your control?
something like that.
look backwards. what do you see?
you've got a point there. it's still uncomfortable.
that you'll need to take up with the seat. i'm just a mirror.

21 on the 21st

2007-08-15T18:19:00.000-07:00

Pretty in Pink
The liquor store gave this to me when they realized it was my birthday.
It's pink. It's plastic. And it lights up when you smack it on the table

--

Wall Flower
Picture frames from the Mitchell family.

--

Wicked
A great book from Ben. hmmm.... are you calling me a witch?

--

Ryan came down from Seattle for the day. Other than that, really quite uneventful.

29 days: a few of the many things i wish to not forget

2007-08-06T03:00:00.000-07:00

an overview of the things i treasure most from this incredible, earthshaking trip. at the time of writing, these events are not in chronological order. i may put them in order. i may not. probably not. [edit: definitely not. they exist in my memory as loosely connected fragments. so why impose on them a structure that no longer holds any meaning?]

*being fed by a random group of christians handing out free food in a plaza in dresden. curryworst, bratworst and veggie burgers. carbonated water. there was a couple from the UK there, who were introduced to me after the first person who tried to strike up a conversation realized i couldn't make heads or tails of the words coming out of her mouth. i felt very taken care of, as i encountered this group at a time when i was hungry and tired and feeling a little down at the end of the day.

*cooking dinner with ben at fabian's for a seemingly random assortment of fabian's friends collected by phone earlier that day. ben was surprised that i actually could cook and that it wasn't just a bunch of hot air. i think this was probably the most emotionally neutral of my favorite memories during this trip. that neutrality isn't bad. it just means my powers of description for this are few, as it is in my remembering like a group of treasured polaroids and sketches that compliment a collection of almost overpoweringly vivid paintings and sculptures.

*the half minute of near panic when i came out of customs in berlin and there was no stina in sight.

*the 5 minutes of forehead smacking "oh shoot i'm an idiot" in the airport in london when i realized that the only pictures i had seen of mike were 1) quite drunk or 2) in a cow suit and the only thing he said about how to find him was "i'll be wearing shorts and sunglasses" while simultaneously realizing that it was a very sunny day outside and every guy in the airport over the age of 10 was wearing shorts and sunglasses.

*saying "salud" to a spaniard when he sneezed in the morning while he and his companions were packing and i was trying to sleep. i am pretty sure from the way they were behaving the night before that they were dead certain that i couldn't understand them. i hope it made them at least mildly uncomfortable to imagine that i might have been able to understand every word they had said.

*i was very proud of myself when i ordered doner kebap in berlin all by myself and the guy on the other side of the counter started asking questions in german about how i wanted it. i am still proud of myself that by the end of my trip i could read a menu with very little assistance.

*it was delightfully cute how thrilled ben's parents were every time i said "bitte" or "danke" or some variation thereof. also amusing was how nervous it made ben when i could accurately guess what he had been talking about during a conversation that had been entirely in german.

*watching "goodbye lenin" with stina. it didn't have even subtitles in english but we watched it anyways and she paraphrased the WHOLE movie for me. i was impressed, to say the least.

*talking about an imagined blue and yellow work of art for who knows how long and dreaming up an entire schnazzy bar/club to go around it.

*laughing during and after the aforementioned conversation for reasons that will remain unmentioned. i have not laughed so hard in at least a year, if not longer.

*germans don't just put bananas in condoms. they put everything in condoms. i think the only vegetable that i did not see protected against std's and unwanted pregnancies on the walls of the u/sbahn stations was broccoli.

*stina drew some really cool maps for me to get to and from places like her apt, her school and her church for the times when i made those trips alone.

*i can now begin to understand why an acquaintance from school is SOOO obsessed with german trains. there were a lot of things in germany that were not efficient. the trains were not among those things.

*you know that song that gets stuck in your head and just won't go away? yeah they have a word for that. and when translated literally, it means "ear worm." how apropos.

*ben tried to get a song stuck in my head once. i had banished it within minutes. later he told me that it had been stuck in his head for day(s).

*wanting to jump up and down on the bridge over a deep cliff to freak ben out and not doing it cause it would freak him out.

*realizing that while i am afraid of heights because i am afraid of falling, i am less afraid of landing because i am not afraid of dying. thus my fear of heights is little more than a dislike for the sensation of falling, which is why airplanes and elevators and tall buildings and bridges do not frighten me, but people picking me up and roller coasters do. which all means that my fear of heights is fairly minimal indeed.

*the fishing spot. seeing dragons and rabbits and mounted knights in the clouds. sunset. the clouds moving across two perpendicular horizons at the same time, as if every cloud in the sky had originated in a single point. getting cold, but not wanting to go. and finally leaving because it really was too cold to stay. i have a picture of this sunset as my computer wallpaper now.

*getting lost but not lost in dresden with a random australian.

*wandering around cologne with an american girl who played at naive-but-far-from-innocent and a scottish guy who was so obviously and awkwardly smitten by her that i was embarrassed for him.

*the aforementioned scottish guy was obsessed with the chocolate museum. he had already been there, but every time we asked each other "what next?" he would suggest the chocolate museum yet again.

*german bread. omg. so. good. i normally do not like nuts or seeds in my bread. seeds on it maybe but that's it. and last of all would i want walnuts in my bread. i'm not very excited about walnuts in the first place, let alone putting them in things like bread. i've been won over. german bread is allowed to have walnuts in it. just writing this is making me hungry.

*i was sorely disappointed by the art museums i went into. anything that said they had "old masters" basically had paintings from one or two eras and that was it. beautiful paintings. very monotonous curating. and to top it off, when i was in dresden, the new masters gallery was closed for repairs.

*london is crowded and horrendously expensive.

*i felt more alien and culturally awkward in the UK than i ever did in germany, despite the difference in language. if i ever were to live in europe, i think i would want it to be in germany.

*dresden is a tourist town. most of the tourists who were there when i was there were elderly germans and middle aged asians.

*europe is OLD. this was never more real to me than it was as we stood outside of the remnants of a cathedral in berlin. it's walls were thicker than any imitative construction i have seen in the states. their cars may be small, but this.... this was a beast. it was beautiful. crazy overwhelming. i am glad that the first time i saw this was at night. it was less beautiful when surrounded by souvenir sales tents and filled with tourists in the glare of the midday sun.

*animals in cages depress me. i have realized this on multiple occasions recently. perhaps why the older i get the less interest i have in going to zoos. this in mind, it is remarkable that i actually do quite like the san diego zoo. among the animals, birds in cages depress me most of all. more even than the idea of trapping the vastness of an elephant or the wildness of the great cats, birds in cages bother me. birds have wings and with a very few exceptions (penguins remind me more of otters than birds), they are meant to fly. the same night as seeing the cathedral, we walked into a plaza where there were many large colorful birds in a big cage/smallish atrium. they were sleeping, which eased my reaction a bit, but it dampened my spirits a little to see.

*ben seems to be onto something when he claims that the close friends of close friends will usually get along because people tend to be attracted to people of a certain amount of similarness. i was skeptical at first but when i look back on this trip and back into my friendships here in the states, there seems to be some degree of truth to this statement.

*this exchange still amuses me to no end:
ben: "you're sick. bedtime is at 10 o'clock."
me, in mild shock: "even my father wouldn't dare tell me what time to go to bed"
ben: "i'm not your father."
me: *sputters*
8 hrs later, guess what time it is and guess who is going to bed?
my parents' reaction when hearing about this: "wow."

*late night talks with christina as we go to sleep during my stops in berlin

*fabian in a suit and tie. something about that amused me at the time. and something about it still does. they say that comedy is in surprising incongruity, though i am not sure what exactly strikes me as incongruous or surprising here.

*i was allowed to catch a glimpse of a very deep friendship between two men that i never realized possible. i never really doubted its possibility, i just haven't seen it before. it was a joy to see and a great encouragement in many ways.

this of course is not all, but it is as much as i will say about this trip in a public venue. if you want to hear more about something i've written above, ask me directly. i may or may not choose to elaborate - depends on a lot on the question, somewhat on the asker and a bit on my mood.

please don't fade away

2007-07-17T00:13:00.000-07:00

during my first stay in munich, ben observed that when you travel, after you return, inevitably it starts to fade away. it rapidly becomes less and less immediate, less and less real, like a distant memory, or a dream after you wake. some aspects of my time at school are already like this and it's only by keeping old traditions, by telling and retelling stories, by making new memories at every opportunity that we continue to remember how full our lives have been.

i am returning to portland tomorrow. some aspects of this trip have been unremarkable - dresden for example was beautiful but well, there were things i could write home about but nothing from there that i could say "this is/was something that i want to keep, to treasure." other parts of this trip have been the opposite of that - they have been what i don't want to remember as past, what i want to continue living, to not let go of, to treasure for a long time to come. and i fear their slipping away.

they already do...

events reorder themselves in my mind. entire experiences rapidly boil down to their simplest elements - a out of focus image seen not by a camera but my own eyes, a gesture that takes form in a featureless space, a familiar voice strugling to keep its identity as my own internal voice plays interference, the ghost of a once real touch. but then maybe those elements we somehow do hold onto are the most important ones anyways - what we paid attention to is what we remember.

and now i am back in my psychology courses realizing that we often don't percieve those things to which we do not attend (if it is important, we'll attend to it; if it isn't, brain assumes it is not worth processing, let alone keeping). if an experience is more than the sum of it's parts, the memory of that experience seems to include only that which was particularly noticed while the other parts fade. so perhaps we could say in this we are blessed (or cursed, if the memory be bad): what is left at the end of the day is that which was most salient in the morning.

a faded memory is better than an experience never had. surely, if the remnants of the past are to become as dreams, oh what dreams to have! and yet... there are some things that are too good to let fade away: this is why i run away from goodbyes.

29 days

2007-06-18T02:01:00.000-07:00

berlin
dresden
munich
london
cologne
geneva
lutherstadt wittenberg

whoa.

one if by land, two if by sea

2007-06-09T02:19:00.000-07:00

i like to run.
i like to swim.

i like swimming.
i don't like running.

i love to work my body hard and the feeling that comes after it. regrettably, swimming is often inconvenient and almost always has monetary costs associated with it. running requires only a pair of shoes and a few basic, usually cheap articles of clothing - the activity itself is essentially free. all these things considered, i have been trying to give running a chance. besides. i really do like to run.

however:

most runners seem to prefer the activity in the morning. at that time, the air is cool and fresh, the body just awakened and ready to start. in the evening, unless one waits till well after dark in the summertime, the air has not lost the day's nasty - be it heat or grime. besides, the birds sing in the morning, not the evening. actually this isn't really that big of an issue. actually it's a nice time of day to be up and outside. BUT! cool air makes it harder to sweat. this is the primary problem with strenuous exercise before the day warms up. i don't like sweat much (most swimmers don't). i like that when you swim you never feel the sweat cause it just mixes with the water and disappears. but if i am going to sweat, i'd rather be dripping than just on the edge. just on the edge makes my skin crawl. and just on the edge is where you stay on a cool morning.
running in populated areas becomes a spectator sport. now this wouldn't be an issue if i lived 5 miles from my nearest neighbor. or if i habitually ran with a really intimidating looking man. but i don't. on either count. and running around the neighborhood ten times is boring as hell. so you go somewhere. but shit. that guy is slowing down and staring. a block later some asshole is making a smootchy face out his car window. another one is rubbernecking as he approaches the signal. it is stuff like this that sends me on my short lived but nonetheless very sincere "men are stupid" tirades. combine that with running in the morning and that means i start the day with a chip on my shoulder against men in general which is not something i like because well, there's as many idiot women as there are idiot men. and there are many honorable of both and i don't like being pushed into a skewed perspective by excessive exposure to the idiot part of the population right at the beginning of the day. swimming in a pool does not have this issue. people don't go to lapswims to watch. they go to lapswims to swim or they don't go. and even when/if there are spectators inappropriate behavior is buffered by the sound barrier of the water and halted by the lifeguards. when i swim, i am alone. when i run, i feel exposed and on display. basically the only time there weren't people leering this morning was when i was barfing into the ditch.
running makes me sick. always. right at the beginning. i don't throw up when i swim. need i say more?
low impact is not possible on concrete. and you don't even have to run to feel that. i'm not talking about low intensity workouts. i'm talking about what it does to your joints. how many swimmers do you know with knee problems? or back pain? not many? there's a reason for that. this, along with the sweat thing, is the number one complaint i hear from dedicated swimmers about dry land workouts. as a friend put it, "i love working out, but running just makes my body ache. there's the tightness that comes from pushing the muscles long and hard which is fine, but running just hurts."

basically, running is great cause it's free, outside, and gives the endorphin flood that comes from physical exercise. but it makes me feel dirty and gross. getting out of the pool, even without a shower, i feel clean. i may smell like chlorine but i don't feel sick, dirty, in pain or objectified.

i have talked a lot lately with people who love to run and people who love to swim. [people who run or swim for the exercise but don't love either have not been consulted. their opinions don't really count. this is a question of love for and joy in an activity.] the consensus? most of the swimmers agree with me on all of the points above except maybe the barfing. interesting too is the runners' opinions.

"i feel awkward in the water." or "it's more like an exercise in not drowning."
"i don't like going in circles. it's boring."
"i like the sweat. it makes me feel like i've done something."
"it makes me a little queasy" or "i'm always ravenously hungry when i'm done"
and the men: "you can't really get a workout swimming in trunks, but speedos make me uncomfortable" :: this one is somewhat like my issues with running outside - the feeling of being exposed in public. except at a pool during lap swims people aren't going to leer at a man wearing a speedo. swimmers are used to it and really don't give a shit.

the issues are somewhat similar on both sides of the fence, but what both seem to almost universally agree on about the other activity:

"it's ok but i just end up uncomfortable and really quite can't get that rush."

so how about you? where do you land in this? why?

from the test kitchen: cornish game hens

2007-06-03T16:38:00.000-07:00

Little Sister Margarita

marinade:
1 can lemon lime soda
margarita mix
dried mint flakes (didn't have any fresh)
stuffing:
orzo
scallions

Pint-y Pub Brawler

marinade:
1 bottle amber ale
fresh chopped basil
peppercorns
powdered ginger
stuffing:
wheat bulgur
fresh parsley

Lady Tipsy von Gewuerztraminer

marinade:
jar juice from artichoke hearts
gewuerztraminer wine
jar juice from kalamata olives
fresh rosemary
mustard seeds
stuffing:
kalamata olives
pickled artichoke hearts
dusted with:
fresh ground parmesean

Hen-Chen*

marinade:
teriyaki marinade (it looked and smelled more like soy sauce than anything else)
rice vinegar
siracha hot sauce (the redish orange stuff)
garlic black bean sauce
hot chili sesame oil
a splash of red wine (i just used whatever was open)
stuffing:
brown rice
cashews
dusted with:
toasted sesame seeds

This is being done as a meal for four - the chickens are "rock cornish hens" and are each just a little larger than my two fists put together (20-24oz). Will be either grilled or baked, depending on the weather. Served family-style, to be passed around the table. I'm thinking lightly steamed, chilled spring asparagus as the only side.

*haenchen is the german word for a male chicken used for roasting. to english speakers a hen is a female chicken and chen well.... i thought it was funny when you put it all together.

the city of brotherly love

2007-05-30T01:21:00.000-07:00

philadelphia
center city skyline
from the south street bridge

--

The Green Line
bagel w/cream cheese and a latte, $4.50
only a block from my house

--

PSA Video Vault
worked here for peanuts for 3 semesters
and for loose change for 2.
decent job. good management.
no complaints.

--

this sign attacked me.
kerith says i ran into it.
note that the sign indicates that
the bridge is not structually sound.

--

ice, custard, happiness
aka. heaven in a paper cup
summer + rita's => happiness
summer + philadelphia => eww
rita's <=> philadelphia
can you see my dilemma?

--

Uber Street
the picture says it all

--

more pictures here.

Eastern State Penitentiary

2007-05-30T01:04:00.001-07:00

From easternstate.org:

Opened in 1829 as part of a controversial movement to change the behavior of inmates through "confinement in solitude with labor," Eastern State Penitentiary quickly became one of the most expensive and most copied buildings in the young United States. It is estimated that more than 300 prisons worldwide are based on the Penitentiary's wagon-wheel, or "radial" floor plan.

Some of America's most notorious criminals were held in the Penitentiary's vaulted, sky-lit cells, including bank robber Willie Sutton and Al Capone. After 142 years of consecutive use, Eastern State Penitentiary was completely abandoned in 1971, and now stands, a lost world of crumbling cell blocks and empty guard towers.

a few pictures from my most recent visit:

sunlight in the mourning

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just for show

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the ghosts of eastern state

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caught off guard

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cross my heart and hope to die

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pushing daisies

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come with me to the world's end

2007-05-24T21:53:00.001-07:00

come with me to the world's end
where the sky dips down to earth
to kiss the lake's edge
come with me to the world's end
with rocking chairs on a porch
to watch the stillness of the morn
come with me to the world's end
and when we can go no further
watch with me
for an earth made new

~may 7, 2007

ring ring ring busybody, take II

2007-05-21T16:34:00.001-07:00

about a year ago, i posted the following after a fit of annoyance:

phone call. to say goodbye. to wish you well. thank you. so nice of you to call. oh and by the way, who's this person you're going out with tonight? what? aren't you.... uhm. yes. a friend from work.. kind of. so? kind of? he used to work there. before i did. well... hmmm well then... are you sure that's such a good idea? will you be safe? yes. met him before. nice guy. gentleman. don't worry. hmmm....well i was just calling to say goodbye. when are you going to be back? christmas. thank you for calling. bye now.

just got a lecture about not going out with strange men. she didn't. she did. why does she even know about... we were talking on sunday night. moan she kind of started fussing. she was concerned about... no really? i'm sorry.

spent the evening in a pub. had a good time. got home at 1am. smelling like smoke. wild child huh? asking for trouble huh? bah! didn't drink naught but water and coffee. probably bored him to death. awesome band at the pub though.

why do i bring this up again? because again there are people meddling in things that are none of their business. what now?

oh you're back! congrats grad! hi. thank you. hey, we need to talk about grad school. i'm not going to grad school. not right away at any rate. well, that's what we need to talk about. uhm. if i go to grad school, it won't be for a good 3 or 4 years at least. eventually maybe. but definitely not now. well. we'll talk. we need to go. we're going to be late. bye.

maybe it's things like this that make returning to one's childhood home so difficult. even when you have parents who are used to the idea that you're not a kid anymore, their friends have not always clued into this yet.

computers and one room apartments

2007-05-21T16:23:00.000-07:00

why do i like the fact that my start menu being on the top of my screen scares people away from using it?

because other people on my computer makes me uncomfortable. especially when they haven't been invited.

a personal computer is kind of like a home. more specifically, a one room apartment. with private and public all in one place. and you don't invite just anyone into a one room apartment.

so then what of someone who is invited to clean up your computer and "fix" it?

out comes the dirt under the rug. the junk that is useless but still hiding in boxes, saved and forgotten. the digital clutter.

a rumpled rose

2007-05-18T10:37:00.000-07:00

commencement day. after lunch my family goes back to their hotel to rest and i plan to head back to the house after checking in on a few things on campus. as i am approaching addams (the fine arts building), i see on the ground a single lonely rose. it was a little rumpled, but only just barely. still quite beautiful and in pretty good condition. stem cut short like it fell from someone's buttonhole. so of course i pick it up. smells lovely. a beautiful surprise. and i continue into addams with my little flower.

fast forward two hours. i leave addams. go to get coffee. but now i have a problem. in one hand i have a rose and a very small clutch purse. in the other hand i have a coffee cup with a sandwhich leftover from lunch sitting on top. the rose's stem is too short to put it in my hair and thus free that hand to hold the sandwhich, therefore i can't drink my coffee. so i decide that it is time to bless someone else with this beautiful surprise.

i try to give it away.

do you know how hard it is to just walk up to a random stranger and give them a rose? the guys think you're hitting on them, the girls are a little wierded out, and they both think there's a catch.

to a girl alone in starbucks. "i work in a flowershop. it's graduation day. the sight of flowers right now makes me sick."

to an elderly woman shuffling down the street with her family. "no! go away. rawr!" (yes, yes, she really did that. and not jokingly. she was mean.)

to a guy who's stuck in the traffic on walnut and i have passed multiple times on foot while slowly meandering up the street. ok. i'll give it to him. next time i am about to pass his car... oh. wait. nope. he's on a cell phone.

that was my rule. no cell phones. and my other rule was not to give it to someone who didn't freely accept it.

i wanted most to give it to someone who was alone and someone who would appreciate it.

but i am starting to despair. no one wants my sorry, pretty little rose.

crossing 38th street. pass a building with steps that go down to the street. a man is sitting on the steps just opening a book as i pass by. eyes meet then move on. the kind of eyes meeting that carries no meaning, just the "i see you and i see that you see me and now i am going to keep looking around at everything else in my field of vision." i keep going. about halfway between 38th and 39th i think "maybe i should have tried to give the rose to him." the feeling grows as i ignore it and keep going. at 39th i give in and turn around. trusting my gut.

he looks up as i approach him. i hold out the rose.
"would you like it?"
he is silent.
he closes the book; sets it down in his lap.
he reaches out and takes the rose.
he looks at the rose in his hand.
he looks back up at me.
his look asks "why? what for? i am pleased but a bit baffled."
still he says nothing.
i answer the question in his eyes "because i found it on the ground a little while ago. it made me happy. and i wanted to give it away and share it."
he looks at the rose again.
back up at me "thank you"
"keep it, give it away, leave it for someone else to find. do as you will"
and i turn and start back on my way.
after a few paces i look back at him.
he isn't looking at me.
he has the rose cupped in his hands and he's smelling the rose. not self consciously either. his entire attention is on the flower that he's holding.
i smile and continue on my way.

graduated!

2007-05-14T13:38:00.000-07:00

with a Bachelor of Arts in Visual Studies from the University of Pennsylvania.

...and a new phase begins.

it's kind of surreal.

ps: graduation speaches are bullshit.

beauty i have never heard

2007-05-05T11:06:00.000-07:00

last night i went on a gallery hop of sorts with some friends around Philadelphia's First Friday. we wandered about galleries and our group slowly grew and then... as we moved to a new street i was stopped in my tracks by the most beautiful music i have ever heard.

a man in black and white standing across the street with a violin that was hooked up to a mic, with mild distortion and amplified through a 10" speaker.

i stopped.

right on the edge of the street. closed my eyes. the breeze from passing cars. just to take it in. back up. no sense in standing so close to the street. let's not fall into the road. as i back up i watch my friends cross another street 100' away. i back into the locked doorway behind me. eventually sit down.

the music.

oh so very beautiful.

now i must clarify here. the man playing did not have perfect technique. even i could catch places where he lost control of the sound, where the pitch slid off and then back on to where it "should" be. and this was no concert hall. the street was crowded. heavy foot traffic of people going about their evening in the galleries. heavily vehicular traffic too. sometimes the sound of people would combine with a passing bus to almost overwhelm the sound of the violin. but it never did. the voice of the violin carried through and soared above everything else.

voice... i have heard the violin compared to the human voice in range and expressive ability. and through this man playing alone to no one and to anyone, his voice soared and dove and was through his instrument the most beautiful thing i could never imagine.

i wanted to capture it. to keep it forever. but no recording could do this justice. to try to record would cheapen it into a gaudy charlatan act that gets shown on websites that specialize in dime and nickel movies from long ago.

i wanted to share it. no one else stopped. here and there a person would pause. or throw some money in his bucket. but no one stayed to really listen. that made me sad. i wanted to stop the people going by and say "close your eyes. listen. do you not hear the beauty that is right here with you in this dirty crowded street?" but i knew that such an act would be pointless. if they don't hear it, my stopping them to point it out would likely only annoy.

i called a friend. "listen to this. so beautiful i just had to share it with someone. listen. can you hear it?" a confused moment later i gave up. like recording, my friend had little chance to see what i saw... it was truly a "you had to be there" moment.

and so i sat there in a doorway on a crowded street as the sun began to slowly set and shared the song with God, unable to tear myself away from this amazing gift. and when i finally walked away, my eyes burned and my body trembled and i could not speak for a long time.

i want to read fairy tale

2007-04-27T18:42:00.000-07:00

(but not the fairy tales of old that were used to frighten children into good behavior.)

i was looking for something to read as i went to sleep tonight. and i realized that nothing on my shelf did i want to read. of course, there is much that i do want to read. there is a collection of essays on what is wrong with contemporary art (Air Guitar, Dave Hickey), there is a book on ethics by a french guy that a professor gave me as a gift (Ethics, Alan Badiou), there is a book about this paradoxically wonderful thing known as christian hedonism (Desiring God, John Piper), there is russian literature (Crime and Punishment), there are sci fi novels (Dune, for example), there are art history textb... oh wait... i was supposed to be listing things that i WANT to read. ok nix the art history textbook. for now at least. anyways. the point is there's a LOT on my shelf. and among that, there is a lot i haven't read yet. but the thing that is lacking...

pure
simple
beautiful
prose
and
poetry

the kind that makes you laugh or the kind that makes you see a world that doesn't exist. the kind that does not tax the mind nor the spirit for any kind of response beyond "this is pleasant." does not demand thought. i want to read something that exists for pleasure alone, for no other purpose than the joy that was taken in writing and the joy that can be had in reading.

i was looking for ice cream

and all i found was broccoli.*

*that was for you matt. ;) thanks for giving me a language that finally really makes sense.

be still and know

2007-04-26T00:03:00.000-07:00

'Cause these last three years,
I know they've been hard,
But now it's time to get out of the desert and into the sun

this song used to make me melancholy. but now, now not melancholy. just pensive. and as i listen to it again for the first time in what seems like ages... i realize that feeling pensive, thoughtful in a quiet, still way, unresolved but also lacking the chaos that comes from frenetic or harried thought.... it's a feeling i have not had in a long time.

i miss being quiet because i am thinking instead of quiet because i am working or because i am overwhelmed.

to be still both in body and spirit but not restless.
do you know what that feels like?

the stillness that comes with a hot drink and a deep armchair with rain pounding outside.

the stillness that i get when i swim. each stroke measured, deliberate. a deep pull, not against the water, not fighting it, but moving with it.*

there is a romance in stillness. in quiet.

shhhhh, darling....

...can you hear it? do you feel it?

and as our eyes start to close
i turn to you and i let you know...

* i think maybe those who truly love running get this feeling when they run. i personally have yet to experience such a feeling on dry land.

the best compliments

2007-04-21T03:11:00.000-07:00

... ask nothing in return.

cool, sunny afternoon. i have discovered an amazingly awesome tree. its largest branches make an odd low hammock. this is my perch for about an hour and a half on a friday afternoon when the campus is alive with celebration - classes are over and the sun has finally emerged. i switch back and forth between sitting upright and lying half reclined on the branch behind me.

a middle-aged (40ish) man photographing an event nods to me as he passes and says "you look really beautiful there." and he just keeps going along his way. in a strange way it is the fact that he kept going, neither needing nor expecting any response other than a silent nod of acknowledgment that made his words not an unwanted advance but a flattering compliment.

to be. with family.

2006-11-03T01:07:00.000-08:00

i miss family.

or rather...

i miss being with family.

and that demands some definitions, because how i think of family and what i mean by being with them might surprise some.

by family, i mean those whom i am close to and who know me well. who have stuck by my side through thick and thin. who have seen the ugly sides of me along with the beautiful and still love me. those with whom i don't need to watch myself, what i say, what i do. in a word, they are safe. they are not always comfortable. they challenge me and push me, as i do them. and they're not perfect. i struggle with their failures and shortcomings as they do with mine. sometimes patiently, often not. they bring out sin in me and i bring it out in them; that safety to be real allows our sin to expose itself. they bring out the Jesus in me and i in them. with such exposure of sin, we have opportunities to make a choice to be like Christ to each other. sometimes we take it. sometimes we don't. but we are real. then again, sometimes we're not. but that's ok.

family: father, mother, brother, cat (yeah the cat counts too)...

...and sister, brother, brother, sister, sister, mother, aunt, sister, brother(inlaw), aunt, uncle, aunt, uncle...

wait. what?

not all of whom i would consider family is related by blood. i always wanted older brothers. i have them. but they are not sons of my mother and father. i always wanted a younger sister. i have one. she is blonde. need i say more? my extended family grows every year. one of my sisters just married - this brother, i wish i knew better; only time will bring that.

and there is blood that i don't think of as family. they are blood but they have never been to me what a family is. this is not something that makes me happy. but it is true. "family" and "relatives" are not always the same.

even if i am talking "immediate family" without "extended", i have two parents, two older brothers, three or four close sisters, a younger brother and a younger sister. only one of those siblings is biologically related to me.

:::
i miss being with family.
:::

by being, i do not mean something that can be satasfied with a phone call, or an email, or im chat. it is not their voice nor their words that i miss. though i miss those things too, they are not at the core of what, in my moments of loneliness, are desired by my heart.

to be
in my parent's home, we have a fireplace that we use extensively. not just a fireplace but a wood-burning fireplace that crackles and pops and is uncomfortable if you sit too close but great if you sit a little farther back. in the winter, there is a fire in that hearth at least 3 times a week, sometimes more. and it is a place where we come together and just are. we exist and we are together and there may be words but there may not. the tv or a movie might be on. someone might be reading, another writing. the cat playing musical laps.

to be
my mom reading in bed, i lay beside her with my head in her lap.

to be
watching a movie and eating cookie dough. mary and i sitting on the floor with coloring books or on the couch with embroidery and knitting.

to be
compatibility in the grass behind hrn and scrabble on college green with music from tinny laptop speakers.

to be
watching football, with random interruptions of youtube and then realizing we're hungry and have no food, so grocery shopping and cooking dinner together.

to be
homework on a bridge over a stream in a park, when there was seemingly nothing left to hold us together

to be
card games that last for hours and still no one wins

to be
nordstroms' cafe sharing a sandwhich and dessert with my daddy

to be
melody combing my hair just because she likes to or randomly taking my hand and massaging it when we happen to be sitting next to each other

to be
sharing breakfast or coffee and doing nothing "productive" for hours on end and not feeling guilty because what we are doing is so much better

to be
driving to hollywood video in a rumbling old cj5 that is so loud we can hardly hear each other speak

to be
going to the movies and stopping for wendy's on the way even tho we're not supposed to. going across the street after the movie to play pool and playing arcade games when we get tired of pool cause we got too many quarters and then getting more quarters cause we're having too much fun shooting zombies to stop.

to be
eating raw cookie dough behind dad's back cause it's yummy and secretly wanting to get caught cause it's funny

to be
running around virtual worlds killing scary virtual beasts with uber 1337 skillz and being ok with the fact that it's a little silly.

to be
long conversations on the phone, interspersed by long silences, when nothing is said and its just enough to know you're there.

to be
with family

...they all feel so far away. scattered about the world. some here, some there. in this moment, i miss them all the same.

* another old post that i really liked and wanted to keep. originally posted November 3, 2006. reposted April 22, 2007.
** oddly enough, by the time i finished writing this, i felt a lot better. there is something about remembering that brings people back, brings them to the here and now even though they aren't.

enigma

2006-04-02T03:47:00.000-07:00

a fascinating thing happened tonight.

i went to starbucks to work on my paper. and i manage somehow to come in at a time when one of the big cushy chairs by the door is free. there's a lady sitting in the other one waiting for someone. she eventually leaves and a little while later a 40-45ish looking fellow sits down. he was feeling chatty and i was not feeling the paper so didn't protest when he decided to strike up a conversation. eventually it turned into him hitting on me, which, when i realized this, suddenly made me much more eager to work on my paper and he left shortly after, much to my relief.

not a half hour later another guy sits down. this one probably in his late 20's... i'm pretty sure not 30, but older than 25. anyways, he's reading a book, i'm working on my paper (finally) and he's there a few minutes and i ask him to keep an eye on my stuff so i can use the restroom, since it is clear he's not going anywhere for a while. when i come back, i also have an iced latte with me and he asks why i switched (from hot to cold, because there's one of the hot cups sitting next to me). with that beginning we chat off and on for a while about surprisingly serious stuff, though to try to recount to you the textual content of what was said does little to get us to the point of things, which is that, to me,

this guy was the enigma.

and i'm not sure if i can explain why. (but clearly, i am going to try)

talking with him it became clear that he has a deep thirst for knowlege. he's got a job that bores him and his response to that is to spend the time he has outside of that studying subjects that interest him. tonight he was reading a book about the relationship of the stock market and finance to fractal geometry. there seemed to be a strong desire in him to know truth. but he said at one point "truth and faith are in direct opposition." the idea being that faith was only something you need when you don't know truth. he said he grew up attending a catholic school, but now considers the Bible the epitome of falsehood. but he didn't really go beyond there.

he talked about ideas, not himself.

but then maybe i was asking the wrong questions. when starbucks closed, i said something about it being time to move to bucks county to keep working and he just kind of came along and sat down with me. in bucks he ended up talking with another guy sitting nearby (because this other guy turned out to be a grad student in what the starbucks guy was reading) and then pretty much returned to his book when the other guy left. volunteered to walk me home, made small talk along the way and split quite quickly when we got to my building.

i guess perhaps the fascinating thing about him was that he was nearly impossible to read. i mean, i could tell when he was thinking - he was silent and distant in the eyes for a few moments before he would speak. and he wore any contempt he had for anything right out on his sleeve. but i saw him laugh (like really laugh) once in the what... wow... 4 hours that he was around and i am not sure i saw him smile at all. he made a joke or two but his sense of humor was so foreign to me and so straightfaced that he had to tell me it was a joke and even then i wouldn't get it. he was a gentleman but not in any really overt way - it took all night to realize that, yes, this is a gentleman, but even then i don't know specifically what it was about him that indicated that.

i guess it was the emotion that was hard to read. ya know... some people you can at least get a sense of something, but this guy was like trying to read a black sheet of paper. not blank. black. there was clearly a depth and substance to him, but unintelligible. then again, maybe that was his heart; maybe the reason he was unintelligible was because unintelligibility was his struggle. not understanding, not knowing seemed to be a plague to him that he despaired of escaping, even while trying to do so. and there was a hint of cynicism in his voice, but only a hint... even his voice was hard to read. dissatisfied with much was all that his words betrayed.

as i rode the elevator up to my room, i realized that the person i had met tonight was truly to me an enigma, but one thing was clear: this was a tortured man. and with that, though i shall likely never see him again, my heart broke for him.

* this is an old post to a another place, edited/revised a bit and reposted, because i liked the post and the memory is still very significant to me. originally posted on April 2, 2006. reposted on April 22, 2007.
** truth is, i DID end up seeing him again, much later, which really surprised me. he remembered my name, which also surprised me. he hadn't really changed. and i continue to pray for some hope in his life whenever i am reminded of him.